Partly Cloudy, 64°
It's no secret that this spring has seen its fair share of odd weather, but students and professors alike in the Geological Sciences Department are dumbfounded by the unexplained haze that covered the campus this past week.
"It's just like, totally weird, man," said Department Chair Warren Prell. "The campus was all normal and stuff one second, and then, all of a sudden, it was like. whoa!"
The image that Prell attempts to describe here was indeed breathtaking. As thousands of eager students took to the Main Green and other parts of campus to welcome the musical acts and warm weather, the mood quickly turned to one of hysteria when a mysterious fog swept the entire campus, leaving many students red-eyed, short of breath, and utterly disoriented.
"They were all like complete zombies man! Cuz I was all like, 'Yo everyone just chill,' right? But they were just NOT chilling. It was feakin' intense," said James W. Head, Professor of Planetary Geoscience.
The haze began to cover the campus at roughly ten o'clock on the morning of Friday, April 20, and did not subside until approximately four in the afternoon on Sunday, during which time campus officials reported some of the "oddest behavior" they had ever seen.
Campus computer terminals were flooded with students You Tubing episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants and totally psychedelic nature videos, and the Sharpe Refectory reported a notably short supply of Cap'n Crunch and Funyuns. The latter report was especially confusing because nobody could remember the Ratty ever having Funyuns to begin with.
An even stranger wave of behavior included an epidemic of students licking inanimate objects in order to "try and feel their souls." One student even began accusing his classmates of being in league with the clouds in their plot to take over our campus.
A number of clouds were interrogated about the allegations, but nothing came of the questioning.
Altered eating habits and questionable sexual decisions aside, the primary concern of the faculty was the students' safety.
"People were just coughing sooooooooo much," said Dean for Student Life Margaret Klawunn. "It was like they all had that disease where you cough a lot. You know, the one all the fat kids claim to have when they don't want to run during gym class in high school."
However, when asked if she meant asthma, Klawunn could only respond by noting how blue the reporter's shirt was and asking if he knew where she could score some shrooms.
Although the fog ultimately went unexplained, it seems that the campus is back to normal for the time being, or as normal as Brown gets anyway.
