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A memo released by the Computer Science Department on Monday aimed to clear up confusion about Brown Morning Mail. Sent in response to an overwhelming number of requests for publication in the digest, the memo laid out the criteria being used to select which events are published.
"Publication in Brown Morning Mail is the most coveted form of event advertising," began the memo. "We understand the Brown community's passion for participation," it continued, "but given the sheer volume of event requests, Brown Morning Mail is unable to honor all wishes for publication."
"At the end of the day, Morning Mail has only a limited number of slots to advertise requests for organ donors, announcements for lectures on Vladimir Putin, and ticket sales for feminist pornography events," explained Mike Detripp, the publication's author. "On average, we receive 400 requests a day. Since we have to publish by the early morning hours, you can understand our dilemma."
Following angry e-mails, an attempt on his life, and multiple attempts to "Rick roll" him, Detripp released the memo to calm those who had been rejected by Morning Mail. After a student attempted to smother him with a printed out copy of the Morning Mail in September of last year, Detripp became cynical and attempted to change the publications' description to "a list of all the things you could do if you actually gave a shit." The administration intervened, and Detripp took a week-long vacation and started counseling.
Detripp bounced back and, following the advice of his therapist, briefly changed the description to "a secular, info-providing Santa Claus who only pops into your inbox after you fall asleep, and you can never catch him."
The selection process, as described in the Detripp's memo, places each request into one of three categories. The first category groups submissions that fall into what Detripp calls the "loser bin." Examples given in the memo include "attempts to tell someone to 'Suck it' and personals written from the perspective of body parts," among others. The second category includes those from authors "who should have tried harder." Finally, the select few that make the cut are those that display "announcements for the entire community and an overall message that has a commitment to the mission of Morning Mail."
At the beginning of the spring semester, Detripp petitioned the admissions department for help with the selection process during their "offseason." Unfortunately, his requests have gone unanswered thus far.
"I'm tired of sifting through fifty requests to rally support for Freeball Friday," said Detripp. "I myself am an activist, and I don't like turning people down."
Detripp plans to start a Morning Mail seasonal internship program that he promises will provide "executive leadership experience" in lieu of a salary. Prospective candidates should keep a journal organizing their thoughts about Morning Mail and apply when the position is listed in the publication. ?
