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Last Monday evening at approximately 8:30 p.m., the undoubtedly conservative Richard Shatston Harrison III '09, a native of Bridgeport, Connecticut, quickly ducked out of the Students for Giuliani meeting in search of a public water fountain. He was intent on refilling a Nalgene water bottle for his close companion, Phinneas Afronne McGregor '08, also a stout advocate of the status quo.
As the story goes, the neither liberal nor moderately-liberal Harrison approached the Wilson Hall water fountain and twisted off the cap of his dear friend's bottle. The indubitably non-progressive Harrison, having never before deigned to hydrate by means of what he called a "public cesspool," cautiously placed the Nalgene under the filth-ridden spigot and waited.
As he recalled, "Disappointment upon disappointment mounted upon me. Alas, the waters never were and never shall be. Their absence ravaged my very being!"
Harrison's mother responded rather negatively to the situation, sobbing into her handkerchief and exclaiming, "Oh, the shame! Such misfortune so violently thrust upon our family. If only Shatston had left Princeton a more hefty sum, perhaps such an atrocity could have been avoided!"
She remained inconsolable and immediately summoned her chambermaid from the neighboring room to quell her suffering.
R.S. Harrison's fellow Giuliani supporter and close cohort, Phinneas, was also appalled at the misfortune. "The closest thing to this egregious wrong that I've yet experienced in my young and highly privileged life was when a Negro. I mean domestic woman of color. took her place beside me on board an international flight to Brussels. It was just so brazen, but I thanked the Lord for giving me strength to persist despite such a flagrant injustice."
Rather than protest the wronging of the non-aqueous atrocity, the decidedly traditional and "old school," yet bountiful in all those things quantitative, Harrison simply called upon his butler Wiggins to fetch refreshment for all in the form of flowing, chilled Evian, bottled at the source in the high mountains of France.
