Partly Cloudy, 64°
It's not unusual to look around campus these days and see students bundled up in their warmest winter gear, wearing gloves and boots, and using hand warmers ("because my mother made me"). However, a small but significant part of the Brown community couldn't feel more at home: the Yetis.
"Oh, yeah, this is just like it is up north," said "Frank," the Yeti (whose true name cannot be represented in English characters) that co-chairs Brown's Committee for Snowbeast Awareness. "I mean, I'd feel like I was back home if I only had a bloodied seal carcass in my mouth."
Some students are far from thrilled by the Yetis' apparent disregard for the suffering of the overall student population. Greg Rosenhaus '11, from Oxnard, California, is up in arms over the Yetis' flagrantly discriminatory behavior towards those hailing from normal places. "Whenever I go out to class in the morning, this Yeti in my suite is always making fun of my second coat. And I'm like, 'Dude, your skin is a fucking second coat.'"
"They're always saying, 'Dude, let's play Ultimate, let's chuck the rock'. It's way too cold for that, but they don't even get it. Plus it's not even fun. Their sharp claws tear right through the Frisbee's thin plastic," said Harold Williams '10, a Los Angeles resident and fervent anti-Yeti activist. A visibly upset Williams added, "In my opinion, they're just a bunch of fur-covered dicks."
The Yetis' behavior seems to have set off the rest of the Brown community in a manner that hasn't been seen since the on-campus anti-wolfman rallies that plagued the Main Green in the late '60s. It certainly hasn't helped that the Yetis' demands have begun to extend beyond the realm of the weather. Recent requests include replacing New Dorm with a huge igloo, and tearing down the beloved Avon theater in order to replace it with a room full of confused, weak tourists ready to be battered and contused.
"The things the Yetis want are exactly the types of things I was trying to avoid by coming to Brown. They can't just disregard the needs of the people for their own selfish gain. That's not what this place is all about," added Rosenhaus. "In my opinion, we should just disregard their needs, in order to make our lives better."
It is difficult to pick sides in the ongoing struggle between human and Yeti students, and it is especially difficult for excessively hairy human students. The rift created is one that can never be patched up with a simple peace offering of Red Sox tickets or a large block of ice. Perhaps one day, when our grandchildren walk the earth, man and Yeti will coexist. However, one thing will never change: Yetis will always need separate Yeti-only frat parties, because no human girl is interested.
"They say once you go Yeti, you never go back," says Victoria Rosen '09. "And it's true. Because after they're done, they eat you."
