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Brown's deadliest (and therefore manliest) sports team is looking for new recruits after the team size dropped a record 83% from the 2008-9 season to it's current roster. "It's pretty frustrating," said team coach Barry "Berretta" Wilmore. "I mean, I'm mostly just mad at myself. I wish I could be more inspiring to my team or just a more effective coach. It would certainly cut down on my time driving to the ICU or the morgue".
Much of the team is quite frustrated by Wilmore's coaching methods, specifically the high number of scrimmages he runs through but the week. "Yeah, these practices are pretty rough on me, but you should see some of the other guys" said Antoine "Twan" Kelly '09, bleeding profusely after a particularly grueling training session. When asked by concerned onlookers whether he needed medical attention, Kelly responded assuringly "No, I'm okay, it's just my shoulder. All I need is a bathroom" Due to this frustration, many students chose to abandon the sport in pursuit of other electives, putting a further strain on the quickly vanishing team. "I've always had a huge desire to be on mock trial, and my time spent dueling was just getting in the way" said Andy Jackson '10. "Practice 6 days a week, and the constant traveling for meets left barely enough time for my studies. As much as I did love staring into my opponent's eyes as I emptied them of life in a blaze of hellfire, I decided that being a fake lawyer is really what I'm passionate about."
Fortunately, the team has been bolstered by several new freshmen recruits, all boasting perfect records from their dueling tenure in high school. In fact, Brown, even with its current shortage of able-bodied team members, rarely recruits a dueler without a perfect record, due to the staggering correlation between a single loss and zero brain function. However, due to new recruitment policies motivated by the recent all-ivy dueling championships 99% drop in team membership, the latter trait does make candidates perfect for Columbia.
But after just a few weeks of training, the freshmen are feeling stressed. The exhaustive physical exercise and hours spent in study and theory are taking their toll. "I swear to God if I have to diagram Burr v. Hamilton one more time I will shoot someone", announced Scruffy Magnum '12. This threat was made all the more disconcerting by the fact that he was clutching a Colt 45 in his trembling right hand. "Not to mention" he added, "you can really work yourself to death at those practices".
In preparation for the winter season, the team will be holding open tryouts at the end of October. Despite all desperation, team hopefuls are warned to participate only at their own discretion. Gloves will be provided.
