Jeremy's articles
Police have officially given up on their search for the kidnapper of Cassidy Mulligan '13, who has been missing since November. Upon hearing the news, Roger Clemmings '13 resolved to take up the case. Despite the lack of evidence and dwindling hope, Clemmings expressed a grim determination to find the truth behind her disappearance.
"Ding!" shouted Elias Thompson '11, just as the clock struck midnight on February 23rd. After much anticipation, Thompson had finally reached 21, an achievement that allowed him to unlock some of life's most exclusive content, such as Las Vegas [Fun Mode], Liquor Stores [Anxiety-Free Mode] and Slowly Beginning To Feel The Crushing Weight Of His Own Mortality [Rest-of-Life Mode].
Across the Brown campus, friends and acquaintances of Robert Sweeney '11 are growing concerned over his dwindling drug habit. "Robert used to be a total party animal," lamented Sweeney's fraternity brother Terry Palmer '12. "I mean sure, he got sober occasionally. Pretty much everyone in the frat does. But now it seems like he spends more time with his shit together than he does completely out of his mind. It's becoming an issue."
"My schedule is totally crazy this semester" spoke Roslyn Humfeld '12 to pretty much whomever would listen.
On August 8th, George R. Cole ‘14 set a Brown record for making it through a staggering 183 pages of “The Dew Breaker” by Edwidge Danticat. This shattered the previous held record by Leslie Wright ‘11, who made it all the way to page 104 of Alain de Botton’s “How Proust Can Change your Life” back in the summer of 2007.
"Of all the paths my day could have taken it had to collapse into this one", lamented Professor of Theoretical Physics Jim Hogrefe, who wishes he was in just about any other universe besides this one right now. "I really feel blindsided by this", the professor continued.
Kenneth Knight '12 has been kicking himself for taking ECON0110 pass/fail ever since he got a 97 on the latest midterm. "I mean, if I get a pass with distinction, I guess it's not the end of the world, but it would be a shame to waste all that effort for nothing," he informed the Noser.
The fragile peace between careless pedestrians and pissed off drivers on Waterman Street was rudely disrupted last week when Bruce Willis crashed through the new glass doors of J. Walter Wilson after diving out of an exploding helicopter. The aging badass then began to furtively dive around corners and shout "Yippee-Kay Yay" until he was escorted off the premises by DPS.
Tensions in the Brown athletic community are at an all time high due to the University's policy of giving leeway to its non-recruited students. All across the campus, athletes are growing frustrated with their less macho minded classmates.
"I feel like standards are droppin," grunted star football Tight End Dwayne 'Tight Ass' Rockefeller '10.
Brown's deadliest (and therefore manliest) sports team is looking for new recruits after the team size dropped a record 83% from the 2008-9 season to it's current roster. "It's pretty frustrating," said team coach Barry "Berretta" Wilmore. "I mean, I'm mostly just mad at myself.
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