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Families on Sesame Street complained this month that Congress' $700 billion bailout plan will do nothing to ease their woes in the recent financial crisis.
Community Spokesmuppet Big Bird blamed the two Presidential Candidates for their inability to publicize the scope of the crisis. "It's just inexcusable," said Bird. "All this nonsense about Main St. and Wall St. and not a single word about the nation's residential neighborhoods. Listen, I understand that our economy hinges on the ability of American workers to retain their jobs; I went to Princeton for Christ's sake. I'm just saying that foreclosures are the highest they've been in decades and they are happening on more than two streets around the country. What we need is a goddamn moratorium."
Sesame Street's Chief Economic Analyst, Count von Count, shared Big Bird's pessimism. "Essentially vot vee are stuck vith here is a crisis bred of our own meescalculations. Eet should really come as leettle surprise zat so many Ameiricans defaulted on zeir loans ven zee collateral zey provided vas so heinously overvalued. Eet's no vonder zat zee markets have fallen nearly thirty percent!"
Von Count wanted to remind readers that thirty is a multiple of one, two, three, five, six, ten, fifteen, and thirty.
Yet the intellectual elites are far from the only residents of Sesame Street enraged by the candidates' lack of concern for their plight. Bert and Ernie were recently forced to move in with Ernie's parents after defaulting on their mortgage payments. Ernie explained that money has been tight due to Bert's recent bout of illness. Ernie's health insurance will not cover this illness until new legislation is passed regarding extension of health benefits within alternative couples.
Oscar the Grouch, too, was upset by news of the crisis.
Nonetheless, the small business owners on Sesame Street have been hit hardest by the nation's financial woes. The collapse of so many financial institutions in the past month has made it extremely difficult for any of Sesame Street's entrepreneurs to obtain the loans required to maintain their businesses.
"Times sure have changed," lamented Cookie Monster. "In the old days, C was for Cookie, and that was good enough for me. Now C is for credit, cash, and condoms too. I just can't keep up. The bank withheld their annual loan for my bakery so I had to fire half of my employees. Meanwhile, my baby momma be all up in my grill talkin' like 'where the fuck is my child support bitch?' and I just can't afford that shit. It's a damn shame."
Snuffleupagus has also seen his business suffer of late. Snuffleupagus fur, widely considered a luxury item in the imaginary commodities market, has seen its prices plummet throughout October. The dwindling demand results from Americans spending a larger percentage of their incomes on things that actually exist.
Snuffleupagus's barber and business partner Grover was unavailable for comment because the owners of Sesame Street realized they could save on salary spending if they just dyed Elmo blue for some scenes.
For now, if either Presidential Candidate hopes to win these precious votes, he will have to show a stable American economy the way to Sesame Street.
