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After a week of dragging themselves out of bed at the crack of dawn in hopes of advancing their careers, Brown students are fed up, and just about through.
"I put myself through this day in and day out, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing," lamented Colleen Davids '07. "Sure, it puts a hot breakfast on the table, but this is not how I want to be spending the golden days of my life."
This sentiment is shared among much of the student population, who have "had enough" of the endless, mind-numbing struggle of their Career Week.
"Between due dates for registration, sitting through presentations and meetings, and having all my social interactions overshadowed by the constant need to be networking for further opportunities, my Career Week has drained me of all I have to give. It's time for this to end," resolved Davids.
Thankfully, the University has gotten word of the student body's general loss of career enthusiasm, and has responded with another week of scheduled activities of a much different variety. Retirement Week promises to give drained students the rest and relaxation that they deserve after so many days of hard work.
Leading recreation experts will be flown in from around the country to share their insights with students in a week-long schedule of events that will be capped with a Saturday Symposium containing mahjong, golf, shuffleboard, jazzerise, and rose gardening.
"I love shuffleboard," said Mark Jachet '09. "I'm looking to win this year's tournament. Last year I was beaten by Barry Blumenstein, but I've been practicing. He's going down, and Margie Blumenstein won't be able to brag all day long to me about how her Barry beat me in the shuffleboard. I'm sick of Margie parading her cats around like their her grandchildren. All sixteen of them."
Consisting of presentations and classes by alumni experts in myriad hobbies and pastimes, Retirement Week will culminate in a Keynote Performance of Glen Campbell's Goodtime Hour, with free cigars and back massages.
But some students say a week of relaxation is not enough compensation to make up for the effort they put into Career Week. Ebeneezer Phillips '07 said that "students feel the University's pension plan is hugely under budget." He also complained that the newly revised Brown Medicare will no longer cover his arthritis medication.
Phillips will not vote to reelect President Simmons in the 2008 Election unless the ballot is too confusing or he forgets why he is there.
