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The latest equations and theories by nuclear physicists indicate that the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator used by CERN to study high-energy particle interactions, may in fact create a huge asshole. "We have discovered that the result of smashing the right particles together at nearly the speed of light, could very well be an asshole," said one leading scientist who spoke on condition of anonymity because he might be wrong and look like a total dumbass. "This has led us to believe that assholes play a much larger role in the universe than we previously thought."
An emerging theory postulates that what we traditionally call the Big Bang may have in actuality been a tightly compacted asshole violently exploding, spewing matter in all directions.
While many scientists are excited to have potentially discovered a secret of the universe, not all of them are enthusiastic. A disgruntled CERN physicistgrumbled, "I got into this business because I thought there was some natural order and beauty to the universe. Now I found out that the fundamental constituent of the entire universe might be a butt? This is bullshit."
Although equations predict the possible creation of an asshole from the subatomic particles of the Collider, scientists cannot say for sure what will happen after it appears. One researcher, whose previous work contained almost no assholes at all, explained, "it might just float there, it might explode, it might collapse into itself, it might suck everything into itself like a black hole, or it might merge with some sort of anti-asshole and disappear. We really just don't know." Scientists are also divided on whether they will be able to manipulate the theoretical asshole, whether the asshole will smell, and whether to consider the asshole dark matter or not.
Despite uncertainties and apprehensions, most scientists are excited to use the Large Hadron Collider to start making assholes as soon as possible. "If we get really good at it, we could make so many assholes!" said a prominent scientist with many years of higher education and scientific experience. "We could make different sizes, different colors, maybe even stretchy ones! This collider is going to teach us so much about the universe! And rectums!"
