Matthew's articles
For Max Napoli '11, the completion of the Maximo2000 was the result of months spent programming and building. To his dismay, however, the unveiling of his advanced humanoid robot has not caused his peers to accept him more, although they do show a strong liking for Maximo, who is deemed "way cooler" than Max.
Jessica Bontette '12 has gained a cult following on the social networking site Twitter due to her regular updates during and regarding intercourse.
Under the username xo2hot2handlexo, Bontette reveals an inside look into her copulatory adventures and rates the men who partake in relations with her on a 1-10 scale.
URI Student Jeremy "Ladies" Mann was dismayed to discover that his class in game theory was not, in fact, designed to teach him how to better talk to girls in a manner that would lead to sexual intercourse. After falsely assuming that the economics class was about spitting game, Mann was left confused and unsure about his future.
Having once again rid the world of terrorists, evildoers, and freedom-haters, George Bush has reportedly returned to his quarters at the Fortress of Solitude following the inauguration of Barack Obama. While many have clamored for four or even eight more years of a Bush presidency, Bush has graciously stepped down, choosing instead to honor the laws of the country he has saved time and time again.
The latest equations and theories by nuclear physicists indicate that the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator used by CERN to study high-energy particle interactions, may in fact create a huge asshole. "We have discovered that the result of smashing the right particles together at nearly the speed of light, could very well be an asshole," said one leading scientist who spoke on condition of anonymity because he might be wrong and look like a total dumbass.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
