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A recent study led by Brown Computer Science Professor Lester Siegel has revealed startling new information about today's internet users.
By meticulously studying recurring trends and patterns on the internet website Chatroulette.com, Siegel and his team were able to uncover that one out of every three internet users is, in fact, a giant penis and/or cat-person. Chatroulette.com is a popular website that allows web surfers to interact with one another randomly via webcam. As Siegel explains, "Our goal was to see just what sort of people are on the internet in the year 2010. Thus, we took a sample size of 900 users and we studied them through the lens of Chatroulette. What we found was that 200 of them were giant penises, 60 of them were cat-people, and 40 of them were either penises belonging to a cat-person or penises dressed as felines."
"I never knew that a penis with whiskers could operate a computer," said Rachel Lornes '11, a member of Siegel's research team. "I never knew that penises could even have whiskers. But I guess you learn something new every day, and that's what I love about science."
The remaining two-thirds of participants in the study showed considerably more variation. However, there was a marked predominance of recent college dropouts smoking bongs in their parents' basements, and of tattooed miscreants.
That's not to say that there wasn't the occasional outlier. "Every once in a while you'll get a group of hot sorority girls playing Chatroulette drinking games. It doesn't happen often but when it does, well, that's what gets me out of bed in the morning," said research assistant Joshua Chang.
Siegel and his team employed a strict set of criteria in order to judge whether or not users should actually be considered cat-people and/or giant penises. Such criteria included a minimum number of meows per minute (MPM) and not being a 65-year-old man in a brassiere.
Siegel has deemed this study to be "groundbreaking", the crowning achievement of his illustrious twenty-year career. "We have discovered something here that no one has even touched upon before. Essentially, what we're looking at is that the Internet, and by extension, the entire western world, is nothing more than a desolate wasteland of costumed freaks and feline ejaculate. And this is just the tip of the cat-person penis iceberg."
Siegel's study also showed that while there do appear to be normal, functioning members of society on the internet, most users are "one disappointment away from publicly masturbating in the hostess aisle of a 7-11." The probability of this occurrence is doubled in the case of giant, sentient penises.
When asked why he thought there was an overwhelming number of elephantine penises and cat-people on the internet, Siegel responded, "I think it stems from a universal desire for companionship and camaraderie. It shows us that cat-people and big ol' monster dongs are just like everyone else; they just want to interact, they just want be loved. And thankfully, technology has finally caught up with their basic needs. Chatroulette allows these abject outcasts to do things that would otherwise be considered unforgivable, mortal sins by traditional, Judeo-Christian standards. And that very freedom is what the internet, not to mention America, is all about."
