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Last week, Dean of Admission James Miller declared Brown's recently admitted Class of 2011 to be the "worst class ever."
"This is not an exaggeration," Miller stressed. "And I do not mean in the history of Brown, or even of the United States. I mean since the emergence of organized education as a fundament of human civilization." Administrators are calling this the University's most egregious error since cutting down the world's last known Truffula Tree to make room for the SciLi.
"I'm still trying to figure out how it happened," said Admissions Officer Molly Peterson. "We went through the exact same steps we always do. We triple checked every transcript. We scrutinized every recommendation. Hell, we had loads of that diversity crap. Fifteen minutes after sending out the letters, we took one last look at our decisions and. oh God. what have we done?"
As far as academics are concerned, the Class of 2011 is just as strong as any before it, if not stronger. However, it is not academics that worry the administration.
"These students are smart. They are also pure evil," explained Miller. "Take a look at this kid, Teddy Fergal. He wrote his essay about how he likes to throw rocks at the elderly. Sure, it's worded beautifully and the guy is probably the next Hemingway, but who the hell pelts old people?"
Disturbingly, Fergal comes off as a saint when compared to certain incoming freshmen.
"I admitted a guy who built a machine that turns kittens into jet fuel. What an ingenious asshole," Peterson lamented. "It's not so much that a few of these students are immoral lowlifes akin to painful, pimple-like sores on the buttocks of society. It's that all of them
are."
Other standout students include Randall Jenkins, a Chicago native who volunteers at local elementary schools purely to bet on playground fights, and Kelly Waldrop, who spent her junior year using advanced psychological manipulation to shatter the sanity of a classmate with a cuter butt.
Ruth Simmons released a statement yesterday afternoon, addressing the impact the Class of 2011 will likely have on the Brown community.
"Despair, faculty, staff, and students, for upon you is unleashed a flood that you cannot hope to stem. From the very soil seeps a nefarious haze, surging and swelling to engulf you in misery. You will stare into the unblinking eyes of the wicked, and you will become them. Also, for personal and unrelated reasons, I am fleeing the country."
Despite foreboding reports, the student body appears largely unfazed.
"The most evil collection of people ever assembled is coming to Brown?" asked Jacob Derney '08. "Ten bucks says none of them makes it out of Unit Wars."
