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Despite his superhuman abilities with the Linux operating system, computer science concentrator Christopher Cook '08 has yet to receive the wild sex that he expected his "skillage" would net him.
"I wasn't expecting much sex to begin with," Cook said. "'Maybe once or twice a semester at an absolute minimum,' I told myself. But, I mean, come on! Have you seen how quickly I can change user group permissions?"
Cook, at one point, thought he had a chance with fellow computer science concentrator Selena Gonzalez '09, but before they could take their flirtation-based relationship "to the next directory," things took a markedly sour turn.
"I thought I'd be able to 'log into' her pants after a few weeks of sitting next to her in the CIT, but it just wasn't meant to be," he said. "I invited her to my house off-campus for some Nantucket Nectars and a marathon of the original Star Wars Trilogy, but it turns out she's a Trekkie. What a fucking waste."
Gonzalez said her brief interest in Cook arose from the nerd-hipster t-shirts he wore to labs, which frequently contained "lame computer puns about fsck or unzipping."
"He had this one that said 'SYNTAX FUCK ERRORS' that was kind of smart, I guess," she said. "But I looked it up online, and it cost him $45. So in the end, not a smart choice. At all."
Cook's rippling abdominal muscles further enticed her libido, Gonzalez added.
While Cook declined to comment on Gonzalez's analysis of his muscularity, he said one nagging reminder of his sexual dormancy is how much action he suspects some of his CS friends are getting.
"One of those robotics guys upstairs? Like you wouldn't believe! He was so smooth, he hacked a Roomba to have sex so he doesn't have to, that's how popular he is. At first, I thought my operating system needed a bit of debugging, but I'm beginning to worry that my intelligence about girls and sex is purely artificial."
