Eric's articles
Move-in is a difficult time for many students; rooms are messy, parking is limited, and tempers are flaring.
This year, however, the newly arrived residents of Perkins Hall had it a bit tougher than their peers. Over the summer, a herd of muskoxen discreetly migrated into the dormitory.
Unprompted by her peers or any other observable stimuli within her immediate vicinity, Ariana Jennings '13 announced last Saturday that she had imbibed copious amounts of alcohol.
"OMG you guys," Jennings said loudly to no one in particular. "I am, like, sooooooooooo drunk right now.
The nonexistent grade-point-averages of some 12 students are thought to be in jeopardy as word of a devious Machiavellian scheme in the English department spreads across campus.
Professor Alan Cooper, a tenured English literature professor with a Ph.D. in the written word of the abolition movement, "acted like a total dick," according to one of his students, in anticipation of his class's final exam.
Some people do it every now and then. Some do it multiple times a day. Some are simply addicted. But regardless of how often you do it, the Catholic church wants you to stop it.
Googling yourself, a longstanding pastime since Google's launch in 1998, is just as wrong in the Catholics' eyes as murder, adultery and wearing non-silly hats, according to Pope Benedict XVI.
Employees raised plastic cups (and some paper cups because there weren't enough plastic cups to go around) for a toast last week at the Ratty.
"Last year was a great year for the Sharpe Refectory," Food Safety Director Bill Crock announced. "We recorded zero deaths for ten straight months in 2008.
In a surprising departure from its typical practices of manufacturing soft drinks and abusing human rights in Colombia, The Coca-Cola Company has announced it will soon roll out a new drink to compete for the coveted "Booze and Lime Lovers" demographic.
"For years, children worldwide and across
the planet have enjoyed the mediocre, watered-down taste of Sprite," said Coca-Cola CEO Muhtar Kent.
After the successful test of the siren /
That aimed to tell students of emergencies, /
Brown's noble officials found something quite strange, /
An artifact random that came from the seas.
Lo, there, upon the Main Green had appearéd /
A ship unbeliev'ble, a boat of great size.
The Beirut party that sophomore Adam Milton attempted to hold in his dorm room Thursday night was reportedly ruined by a suicide bomber who "just kinda bummed everyone out."
After junior Johnny Keene showed up at Milton's dorm room with powerful explosives strapped to his chest and a detonator in his hand, all the party's mildly buzzed attendees began to fear the worst.
The Avon Cinema on Thayer Street premieres a movie this Friday that has reached new heights of Indie vogue-so much so that when contacted for comment, the crew and director purportedly involved in its production have never heard of it.
"Seriously, who names a movie 'Noise-Canceling Grass Shadow Revolution?'" asked director Austin Pinkerton.
A big-screen adaptation of Henry David Thoreau's classic introspective existentialist masterpiece "Walden" will now include "enough explosions to make Hiroshima look like a poorly-controlled fart," reported newly signed director Michael Bay earlier this week.
Despite his superhuman abilities with the Linux operating system, computer science concentrator Christopher Cook '08 has yet to receive the wild sex that he expected his "skillage" would net him.
"I wasn't expecting much sex to begin with," Cook said. "'Maybe once or twice a semester at an absolute minimum,' I told myself.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
