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Sarah Higgins '09 never thought that concentrating in contemplative studies would get her anywhere. That all changed Tuesday morning when a particularly revelatory meditation session inspired her to no longer concentrate in the subject or on anything at all.
Higgins, a classy and tactful young woman originally from upstate New York, was quick to point out that she harbors no ill feelings toward the program. "I think what I was looking for in this department was a chance to find some direction in my life. And now I know exactly what that direction is: as far away from anything even remotely resembling contemplative studies as is humanly possible."
According to Higgins, her life-changing in-class meditation session featured a visit from the big man himself.
"I was having this strange recurring vision that started with me standing outside the V-Dub. Then I suddenly look up to see Buddha himself peacefully strolling down the Walk, clouded in what is either an otherworldly mist or just a dust cloud from those never-ending construction projects. Once I realize he's coming for me, I treat him to a delightful and insightful lunch at the V-Dub. Turns out he's a big fan of Chicken Finger Friday. And every time, by the end of that lunch, Buddha has convinced me that contemplative studies is just not the right fit."
Buddha could not be reached for comment, but Higgins tried her best to paraphrase the big man's persuasive message. "I mean, he was real straight with me. He basically told me, 'Sarah, you've lived a sinful life: stealing fruit from the Ratty, walking through Don't Walk signs, rooting for the Mets (Buddha is a Phillies fan). At this point, Enlightenment is just not an option. So why not live a little? Make some money. Study something practical. Sell out. I understand.'"
Higgins leaves the Contemplative Studies Department in quite a predicament, having been their only declared concentrator.
"Sarah was all we had, man!", exclaimed an openly weeping Theodore Owens, chair of the department. "I expect my students to think! Think for the sake of thinking! Not think about things! Why did he have to think about things?"
A similarly distraught Aurora Meadwood, associate professor in the department, clarified the point by stating, "Contemplation is about contemplating the contemplative. Not contemplating contemplation itself!"
Though everyone's favorite Contemplative Studies Department may never recover, Higgins plans to move on with her life. She will officially declare her new concentration of COE early next
week.
