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(Copy editors' note: remove bracketed text.)
It has come to the attention of the writing staff here at the (Noser) Brown Noser that many of our much-belabored-over articles, when printed, appear in an entirely different form than (what we) originally intended. Sources (tell us) confirm that a group of brazen and (irresponsible) good-looking copy editors with no respect for their role within this publication is to blame.
The instances of out-of-control editing are many. Exclamation points are added needlessly? Question marks are inserted at the end of declarative sentences!! (For no apparent reason, entire sentences or points that are crucial to the article are simply removed.) All the while, the passive voice is left unrevised.
(What's more,) Copy editors are meant to revise (only grammar and style, yet they frequently make drastic changes to) the very content of an article. For instance, on October 29, 2010, an article titled "University Welcomes Class of 2014" was renamed "Class of 2014 Students, Parents Having More, Louder Sex." What had been a piece on the numerous achievements of the diverse group of incoming freshmen comprising the class of 2014 (became) blossomed into a fabricated piece on their sex lives and on the sex lives of their parents. A more (disrespectful) hilarious treatment of the topic is hard to imagine.
Edits such as these have made us (the laughing stock of the entire Brown community-in fact, survey data reveals that over 80 percent of the student body believe that the Brown Noser, which prides itself on being) a newspaper of the utmost journalistic excellence, (is in fact a "satirical humor publication.")
(The writing staff places the blame for our soured reputation solely on the copy editors. A visit to the Noser's editing office reveals the immense perversity of those involved in the tampering. Remarks such as "check out how stupid I made [writer] Stephen Larrick ['11] sound" or "Dude, let's end the article 'Smell you later'" are typical.) Some copy editors even seem to have created a game in which points are awarded based upon (how unrecognizable an article has become. An article written on Tae Kwon Do edited into an article on Karate might be awarded a score of 4, while an article on any topic, somehow related back to Kevin Bacon receives a perfect 10.) how close darts are thrown to the center of a dartboard. They call the game darts.
(This kind of behavior cannot be tolerated. The outrageous edits must be stopped and those responsible must be reprimanded.) Before every issue, writers spend countless hours (researching each story, performing on site investigations, and conducting interviews. We synthesize all this hard work into a piece of journalistic integrity-a piece we can be proud of.) watching films such as "Animal House," "Footloose," and "Apollo 13." Thus, we feel strongly that any failure (to punish strictly and sternly those responsible for the continued vandalization of our work) to mention Kevin Bacon and all he has contributed to film - indeed all he has contributed to culture itself - would be an outrage.
Smell you later.
