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A recent development in textile manufacturing has sparked a revolution in American sleep. The era of corduroy is upon us.
Earlier today, Inventor Payton Whitney, great-grandson of the famous industrialist responsible for the cotton gin, unveiled his Wide-Wale Loom, the first fully-automated machine capable of weaving the notoriously textured corduroy fabric into a fully functioning pillow. Traditional methods of corduroy pillow manufacturing are so labor-intensive that only kings and courtiers are able to afford the armies of needle-bearing chimpanzees necessary to complete the process.
Whitney's novel mechanism promises to produce the pillows at a fraction of the cost. The design will soon be licensed nationwide to allow for mass production of the luxury item, a move that has provoked ire among those already in possession of hand-needled corduroy pillows.
Whitney issued a press release this afternoon in response to the controversy: "While those lucky enough to already own a corduroy pillow may chafe at its forthcoming availability made possible by the Wide-Wale Loom, I ask that we all take a moment to remember our origins. America was founded on a bedrock of democracy, as a nation in which every man has a shot at struggling out of the gutter to reach the top of the heap. I ask you, dear citizens, doesn't every man deserve a chance to rest his head upon a ridged cushion? To democratize the corduroy pillow is to celebrate the spirit of our founding fathers in earnest! I ask you, America, are you not American?"
These poignant words from a direct descendant of a national hero present a strong case for the moral agreeability of his invention, but it remains to be seen how the public will react. Needleless to say, Mr. Whitney's invention cannot be stopped from leaving a firm imprint on the face of America. Given the gravity of its application, it is inevitable that the corduroy pillow will soon be making headlines all over the country.
