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As the Brown University housing lottery draws near, Ryan Mitchell '12 has stationed himself outside the Vartan Gregorian building, affectionately known as New Dorm, in an attempt to protect upperclassmen from choosing to live there next year. His reason: it smells like poo. "Have you ever been inside this place?" asked Mitchell. "It reeks of something unholy, like an abomination of God, like demon's poop."
For the past week, Mitchell has been furiously campaigning to warn upperclassmen of the evils of New Dorm. He has been table slipping, posting fliers across campus, and walking around holding up signs with a picture of Mr. T sitting on a toilet that reads "New Dorm = Poo Dorm". "I mean, really, that's what it smells like, like Mr. T just dropped a huge deuce and clogged the toilet and then the cesspool overflew, and Mr. T's fecal-laden water flowed throughout the halls like the blood from the Shining. Judging by the smell, for all I know, that's exactly what happened here," said Mitchell.
"Honestly, I'm just trying to make sure that all of these unsuspecting upperclassmen know what they may be getting themselves into," said Mitchell sympathetically. "There are so many better options like Grad Center or even Pembroke, options that don't reek like a Shaqtastic surprise. I mean, did you know that every room in Grad center comes with a closet nook and a light? A closet nook for Christ's sake! Who doesn't want that?"
Originally, Mitchell attempted to create a short film for the housing lottery video contest in order to be awarded a spot in New Dorm "so that others would be spared." However, that attempt failed miserably. "I tried to film a re-imagining of "Heart of Darkness" but on the Providence River. It was going to be a sci-fi musical set in the year 9953 with Professor [Barrett] Hazeltine cast as the lead. Yeah, that didn't work out too well."
In light of his failure, Mitchell looked to the past for a way to spread his message. "I was perusing through the archives in the Rock and, suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I was inspired to launch my "New Dorm/Poo Dorm" campaign because of the overwhelming success of the 1993 "Seriously, Where the F*ck is Perkins?" campaign," said Mitchell. "I'm pretty sure that only 3 kids chose to live there that year."
Through his campaign, Mitchell is imploring upperclassmen to seek out alternative housing options. "How about a nice roomy single in Keeney where you can be a role model in the life of a freshman? Or a dorm in Young Orchard where you won't even need to waste time at the gym because of the invigorating, twice-daily walk to and from the main green?" asked Mitchell.
"I don't mean to be a burden to my own class, but why not let the sophomores suffer in New Dorm? We'll eventually have our chance to reside in luxurious, tropically scented dorms such as Minden Hall. But for now, I strongly encourage you all to use your seniority to your advantage in this housing lottery," pleaded Mitchell to one group of rising juniors.
Despite his humanitarian efforts, there are those who have accused Mitchell of concocting this "New Dorm/Poo Dorm" campaign for his own personal benefit. "He's just doing this so he can live there next year," proclaimed Danielle Konsky '12. "I can assure you New Dorm does not smell like the Crypt Keeper's sour cottage cheese farts. It just doesn't. If there's any place that fits that description, it's Keeney."
