Partly Cloudy, 64°
The month-long investigation of a three-alarm fire in nearby Woonsocket has finally yielded definitive results. While a lion's share of the blame is being placed on the negligence of the residents, a small portion of the responsibility for the blaze has been doled out to a sketchy man in a trench coat, observed near the scene of the crime grasping a military-grade blowtorch.
"For a long while there, we were really stumped about the cause of this fire," said local Fire Marshal Frank Drebin. "It seems, ultimately, as if the family left a lot of electronics plugged in for far longer than they should have, and they shorted out the electrical system. Either that, or that weird guy over there burned the place down. Look at him, he's still over there." Upon further inspection, the shifty-eyed man was still standing directly next to the site of the fire, over a month after it occurred. It appeared that he hadn't moved since the incident.
When asked to explain himself, the man holding the blowtorch was trite. "Look, I don't think I can make it any clearer," said Mark Roth, 33, a disillusioned former investment banker and arson enthusiast. "I carry around a blowtorch for fun. I wear a trench coat because it's fashionable. And my eyes dart back and forth because I have terrible paranoia." After careful questioning about the incident, Roth had nothing definitive to say. "I was just wandering around the neighborhood that day, having a good time by myself. Nothing more. Also," Roth added, "I set fire to that house."
Finally, after the official diagnosis of negligence, the Woonsocket fire can be removed from the list of unexplained local catastrophes. Many local mysteries, however, are left unsolved. In early November, a Commerce Bank branch was robbed, and all that is known about the culprit is that he is a 6'0" Caucasian male named Brian Perry, who lives just off Brook Street, next to that Bodega. Only three weeks ago, several cars were stolen off the lot of Curry Nissan's showroom, then parked only a few feet from the site. The location of the cars remains unknown. And, only days ago, a destructive fire at an abandoned warehouse left no trace of a clue, except the words "Mark Roth did this. Also, he started that other fire in Woonsocket. You know, the negligence one?" emblazoned on the ground in streaks of burning embers.
"Some criminals just go unaccounted for," Fire Marshal Drebin continued. "There's just no way that any reasonable person can expect every culprit to be brought to justice. It's just not possible. Now, some culprits? A few culprits? Even one culprit? These are reasonable expectations. However, we just can't guarantee anything at this point. We're trying hard out here."
Drebin then journeyed to a local Dunkin' Donuts to purchase a box of Munchkins for his fellow officers. During his absence, Roth stole his squad car, and crashed it into a pole, at which point it burst into flames. Roth then danced around the car in pure ecstasy, screaming, "I can't believe I just did that!" The list of possible suspects is still being compiled, but a faulty transmission is likely to blame for the accident.
