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A group of prospective students and their families was led astray during a routine campus tour yesterday, a Bruin Club official reported. The tour had progressed without incident until guide Danny Oswald '08 broke from his mindless, scripted fluff and began to improvise.
"Do you know what Hell is? Hell is having to say the exact same thing over and over, with no hope of death," Oswald told <i>The Noser</i>. "I'm sick of leading that damn tour. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night, screaming, 'They played Tetris on the SciLi!' That's not even interesting. I was just spicing things up a little to stay sane."
At first, Oswald's untruths were subtle and largely harmless-his claim that the Ratty serves Dr. Pepper went unnoticed, as did his statement that University Hall is the oldest building on the planet, having been erected by Jackie Robinson some time during the early Pleistocene Epoch. As the tour progressed, however, the lies became significantly more outrageous.
"The guide said that under the Main Green there's a bottomless lake of fire from which emerge the vengeful spirits of the damned," recounted Tim Jenkins, tour member and tragic victim of home schooling. "Does he expect us to be impressed by that? Amherst has like, six of those."
"I'm really intrigued by this Sex Power God," said Annie Samson, a parent on the tour. "It's about time there were a wholesome college party that celebrates the chaste modesty of love made possible by the holy might of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Oddly enough, his most damaging fabrication was the one that seemed most irrelevant.
"He said that every student admitted to Brown receives a free shovel. That got me really excited to apply," explained Toby Corwin, a high school junior who has been scoping out New England universities. "When I found out he was nothing but a vortex of deception, I decided to apply to Dartmouth instead. They don't give you a shovel either, but at least they don't get your hopes up."
The Office of Admissions is far from pleased with Oswald's stunt, as the financial ramifications of his actions are substantial to the point of humiliation.
"There was a family on that tour that had more money than all of Western Europe," reported an admissions officer who wished to remain anonymous. "They could have donated enough to have the entire University coated in diamonds, and now I have to go explain to Ruth Simmons that their lousy kid doesn't want to go to Brown because he doesn't get a free shovel. Please, please just kill me."
Even with all the flak he has been receiving from University officials, Oswald remains convinced that he was justified in his behavior.
"If anything, my lies should have made those kids want to come here. Who wouldn't want to go to a school where every single class is taught by Aerosmith or where you get course credit for hooking up?"
When informed of the consequences of what will go down in the annals of Brown's history as the "Shovel Fuckup," Oswald's reaction was short and to the point: "Look, if the administration wanted this kid to go to Brown so bad, why didn't they just give him a shovel? A shovel's twenty bucks."
The administration's reaction to Oswald's suggestion was even shorter and even more to the point, measuring in at just four letters.
