Freshman Zachary Bevilacqua was reportedly "distraught" Thursday evening when he discovered that his can of Axe Body Spray had been depleted.
"Yeah, I was all 'Bro, what the hell?' I could have sworn I had bought a new can a couple days before." Although Bevilacqua was visibly upset, he said that he was "mostly concerned for the female population."
"Yeah, I don't like to brag or anything," the eighteen-year-old bragged while ensuring that his collar was popped correctly, "but let's just say that ladies like The Zach."
No ladies could be reached for comment.
"The problem is The Zach is a very sensory experience, and every part is integral to the whole. When you lose the smell factor, it all just falls apart," said Bevilacqua.
This phenomenon was verified by various acquaintances of Bevilacqua's, one of whom described him as "a full frontal assault on the senses."
"I could definitely tell something was lacking when I saw him, but I couldn't figure out what," said Robert Phillips '11, who lives down the hall from Bevilacqua. "He had the collar, the aviators, the upside down visor, he even had on the optional sweatbands. I finally realized what it was when I noticed I could come within ten feet of him without falling into a coma."
Bevilacqua reportedly sought other options. "Well, first I tried just putting on a shit-load of Old Spice, but it simply didn't create that same intoxicating aroma I was looking for."
He went on to say that he attempted to accommodate for "the missing ingredient" in other areas. He added another layer of clothing, acquiring "some sweater/plaid shorts action." According to testimony, though the outfit was "totally awesome," it simply "just wasn't doing it."
Due to the absence of the Axe Body Spray, Bevilacqua felt "unfit" to attend the usual campus party scene he frequents, so he decided to "just stay in" and "poke girls on Facebook."
"I was pretty upset about the whole thing," he admitted. "I knew I had to get some more [Axe Body Spray] first thing the next day." He added that this was not simply for him, but for the whole community because "when The Zach isn't happy, no one is happy."
Bevilacqua's roommate, Michael Jennings '11, was, admittedly, "pretty happy about the whole matter."
"You don't know how many times I've been trying to do my calculus when suddenly I'd be overcome by a noxious cloud. I feel like I'm being doused with Sarin nerve gas."
When asked to comment on Bevilacqua's recent purchase of fifteen cases of Axe Body Spray, he said, "God damn it. what a douche-bag."