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Department of Public Safety officers were befuddled this past Sunday when called to investigate an exit sign incident in Emery Hall, on Pembroke Campus. Expecting to find the typical case of all the signs in the building broken, the officers were baffled upon discovering an intact sign on the third floor.
"We have no information as to how and why this sign was not destroyed between the hours of 7 pm Friday and 12 pm Sunday," said Detective Mark Edmonds. "We must, however, assume there to be some motive behind this act, and have therefore sealed off the entire floor pending further investigation."
This has understandably caused some problems with residents. "I haven't been able to get into my room for three days! This is ridiculous. Shutting down the entire floor because somebody didn't knock down a sign! What do they think happened, aliens put up a force field around the ceiling?"
When asked, Edmonds refused to either confirm or deny whether that scenario was under consideration, saying, "I cannot comment on any extraterrestrial involvement or lack thereof in the incident."
DPS's wavering has caused many a Pembroke resident to feel unsettled. One Residential Counselor said, "Some of my freshmen are so unnerved by this that they're going to ask Reslife for temporary housing as far away from Pembroke as possible."
A freshman football player living in Wooley Hall, who asked not to be named, was also scared and confused. "It's still up? Really? Dude, we definitely knocked that one down. I totally remember doing it myself. I think. That's really freaking me out bro."
His roommate continued, "This is just f**king weird. Exit signs don't survive the weekend here. They just don't."
Edmonds declined to speculate on where the investigation might lead or how long it would last, though he refused to rule out the possibility of criminal activity. "Anytime something out of the ordinary happens we consider the likelihood of unsavory characters being involved."
When questioned about what possible criminal connection there could be to the non-destruction of an exit sign, Edmonds had no comment and raced hurriedly out of the room, fueling speculation that he might be in over his head.
As one Pembroker put it, "Does DPS have any damn idea what they're doing?"
