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"I won the lottery! My entire life I was told I would never make anything of myself, but look at me now, bitches!" screamed Jason Frickman '10.
There was a campus-wide celebration on Wednesday as it was announced that all students had won the housing lottery.
"I'm a rising sophomore, so I knew I would probably end up living in a bathroom next year, but now the possibilities are endless!" said Jennifer Drawson '11.
The announcement was made by Reslife via e-mail, ensuring that the news spread to the student body as quickly as possible.
"We feel that there is nothing more Brunonian than providing equal opportunity to all undergraduates. It is in this spirit that we are letting everybody win the housing lottery," the e-mail read, with a rainbow in the header. The announcement's impact was noticeable moments after it was sent, as herds of naked students stormed the streets.
The Department of Public Safety considered breaking up the festivities, but gave up after gauging their incomprehensible vastness.
"We were going to lay down the law, but we then realized the celebration was just out of our league. We thought we were invincible. We thought there was no party too big to be broken up - we were wrong," disturbed DPS officer Jose Forenze said.
Amidst the celebration, however, confusion arose over how housing was now actually going to work.
"I guess I'll just show up and claim a room next year. Do you think the President's house is available?" asked Judd Crevison '10.
Unfortunately, Reslife did little to clarify the housing situation.
"Well, we didn't really think that part through. We just assumed we'd let the students work everything out for themselves - Brown students are more than responsible enough. For example, if someone has taken your intended room, just bludgeon them with a pipe until they leave," said Reslife representative Martha Flaston. "I'm just kidding of course. But yeah, I'm sure they'll figure it out."
Despite the egalitarian efforts of Reslife, many upperclassmen were angered by the change.
"Fuck this! I live in Keeney for three fucking years, and my senior year I expect a nice room, maybe with a window. If I have to live in Keeney again I swear I won't ever donate money after graduation," said rising senior Jerry Cay '09. "They'll regret the day they screwed Jerry Cay!"
