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Dartmouth, the oft-forgotten member of the Ivy League tucked away deep in the woods of New Hampshire, has not existed for at least fifty years, according to explorers Rufus Edgemore and Stefan Burgundy. The discovery has left the Ivy League, now short one member, in shambles.
According to the explorers' theories, the college was overtaken by a conspiracy of massive proportions sometime in the 1950s. Vermont maple syrup farmers realized the potential manpower of thousands of intelligent over-achieving college students. Eventually, Dartmouth's administration was overrun by the Vermont maple syrup industry and all of its students were smuggled across the border and sold into maple syrup slavery. Once there, science and math students were forced to develop cutting-edge reverse osmosis technology to improve the efficiency of the boiling process. All humanities students were slaughtered immediately unless they were strong or had common sense.
The allegations of maple syrup slavery have human rights activists across the country up in arms. Brown's Amnesty International chapter and the Student Labor Alliance have taken notice, though neither appears to be acting quickly. SLA member Baird Bream '08 said, "I mean, slavery is obviously bad. but it's Dartmouth. Who really cares?"
The discovery comes as a shock to parents of current Dartmouth students. Dartmouth mom and alum Charlene Fitzwater commented, "Johnny hadn't called in a long time, but I assumed he was either lost in the woods or constantly drunk. That's the only way I ever survived New Hampshire winters."
The secret was kept easily because, quite frankly, no one really gives a shit about Dartmouth. Still, other Ivy League presidents couldn't help feeling that they had been seriously played. Brown President Ruth Simmons commented, "I had my suspicions about the mountain man beard [Dartmouth President] James was sporting at our Ivy League conferences. Now it all makes sense." She added that "he still wasn't as brutish as Larry Summers."
The Ivy League is scrambling to fill Dartmouth's place with a new member. Needless to say, the search has not been easy. Numerous schools are filing applications, but no perfect fit has emerged. Stanford seems to be a clear choice, but the Ivy League would prefer to remain in the Northeast. Sources say that MIT has put in a strong bid, buts its lack of a liberal arts focus may hurts its chances. The Community College of Rhode Island, while boasting acceptance rates strikingly similar to those at Cornell, remains a dark horse.
When asked for his opinion on the story, Ralph McFrank '10 replied, "What's Dartmouth?"
