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The Brown Department of Public Safety stated yesterday that they had reason to believe the Chinese Food Truck's Mongolian Beef is responsible for the raping and pillaging of an unknown number of stomachs as well as adjoining parts of the digestive system. Officer Manningham warned the public that "Mongolian Beef is still being sold and until we can apprehend the culprit, the student body would be advised to protect everything from the esophagus to the anus-especially the anus."
The Chinese Food Truck had been implicated in a number of atrocious crimes over the past few weeks. However, DPS was reluctant to make a statement as they pursued various leads. Other suspects had included the side vegetables and the rice. When asked how it felt to be cleared of the charges, Broccoli, a prominent member among the vegetables, declined to comment.
For eight years now, the Chinese Food Truck, located in front of the CIT on Thayer Street, has provided one of the only places to eat lunch for Brown students who wanted something less expensive than the standard Thayer Restaurant fare, yet less crappy than what is typically offered at the Ratty. The Mongolian Beef, known to some patrons simply as "Mongo B," was a top seller.
Brett Weinstock '09, a long-time customer, was one of many victims of what pundits are labeling Genghis Khanstipation. "It was horrible," a traumatized Weinstock reported. "My large intestine was raped repeatedly while the small intestine was forced to watch."
Another student who suffered an attack was Forrest Miller '10. A subdued Miller told reporters, "I'm only a freshman. I guess I just didn't think that things like this happened at Brown." Miller suffered third-degree burns to his rectum as the Beef set fire to everything in sight.
Via telephone, President Ruth Simmons issued assurances that the problem had her utmost priority and that "steps were being taken," though she failed to elaborate as to exactly what that entailed.
Some students, however, have already taken measures into their own hands. Simon Buttrick '09 explained that as his colon was choked to the point of death, he could hear the gurgling of the vital organ struggling for air. He stated, "I couldn't just stand there and let those atrocities happen. So I took action."
Buttrick proceeded in what he believed to be the only course available; he stabbed himself repeatedly in the stomach. Buttrick, currently in stable condition at Health Services, was not remorseful. He told reporters that he didn't regret his actions: "Ya I would do it again. And you know what? If I saw someone else's stomach being attacked by the beef, and they were too scared fight, I'd stab them in the stomach too."
