Ben's articles
In a press conference held yesterday afternoon, the Corporation announced a $100 million donation from rapper/millionaire Jay-Z to the Urban Studies Department. In recognition of the superstar's philanthropy, the department will be renamed "Jay-Z's School of the Hard Knocks."
This past Wednesday a forty-two-year-old man was forcibly removed from the Apple Store at the Providence Place Mall after sexually harassing numerous customers and employees. The man, described as a Wham!-era George Michael, was reported as saying "I touch? I touch?" over and over again while indiscriminately squeezing and rubbing those around him.
The University publicly announced last week that the institution has been seriously questioning its orientation and hopes that the local community will be supportive of any decision.
A scandal of epic proportions has unfolded over the past few days since Sandra Richard-son '08 announced her plans to file charges of sexual harassment against the University. She has reportedly taken offense at her official student status from this past semester, which listed her as "a broad."
Last night, Brown's Department of Public Safety admitted that the number of cheetah attacks reported so far this semester has risen well above what the administration had anticipated.
Brown's Department of Expansion announced plans to merge with global shipping giant UPS at a press conference late last Thursday. The contract, still under negotiation, is expected to make UPS the exclusive on-campus delivery service and include a clause whereby students can enclose themselves in packages for international shipping.
The Brown Department of Public Safety stated yesterday that they had reason to believe the Chinese Food Truck's Mongolian Beef is responsible for the raping and pillaging of an unknown number of stomachs as well as adjoining parts of the digestive system.
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