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Despite setting a season record in rushing yards and giving up zero interceptions, starting quarterback Michael Lebowski '11 simply cannot seem to score a touchdown on any of his exams.
"I don't understand," lamented Lebowski about his recent anthropology midterm. "I did all my pre-game traditions: I sprinted a quarter mile, I listened to 'Eye of the Tiger', I belched loudly, I made a set of flashcards and repeatedly quizzed myself on all related concepts and vocabulary. I just don't know where I went wrong."
Lebowski added after some consideration, "Balls."
Brown football's star player reportedly experienced difficulty from the onset. He lost two of his first-string receivers when Anthony Walters '12 suddenly came down with the flu and Bob Swanson '11 decided to go to Fishco rather than help him study.
To make matters worse, Lebowski suffered a series of false starts after he discovered a bunch of videos of a cat playing the keyboard on YouTube. "I saw some severe penalties for that one," Lebowski commented, "but it was totally worth it. Did you see how cute that cat was? Here, I'll post the link on your wall. You're gonna die!"
Coaches were concerned to play Lebowski at all in the anthropology midterm, especially after he injured himself two weeks before on his Latin quiz, his wrist "totally cramping from all the writing." According to sources on the inside, coaches were also worried about Lebowski's general conduct when he arrived "kinda still drunk" to several Friday morning sections.
Any last-minute substitution would have been impossible, however, as the practice was made illegal by an earlier ruling. When Lebowski attempted to sub out for second-string quarterback Derek Jenkins '12 in an October test, the referee immediately called a foul, proclaiming, "Who the hell are you? We're taking a quiz! Get out of my classroom!"
Lebowski explained that his midterm strategy was to score points early on in the test and then "run out the clock." Indeed, commentators say Lebowski's poor performance is likely due to the fact that after writing his name on his test, he closed his blue book and gazed out the window for the remainder of the class period.
In a related story, class brain Melvin Mitchell '12 simply can't seem to get an A on the football field. "I brought tons of extra sharpened No. 2 pencils, but they just poke my legs when I run," he said sadly. "And the other team's coach didn't seem very impressed when I gave him a shiny apple before the game and asked about extra credit huddles."
