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Kenny "El Pelicano" Jefferson has pulled out of his Femsex program after the course ended his football career. Jefferson is a defensive end whose spot on the team had already been in jeopardy. With these serious questions surrounding his position on the team leading into the new season, Jefferson knew he needed to make a change. "I needed to make a change," Jefferson said.
When asked about Jefferson, Head Coach Phil Estes said, "Look, there is a reason we call the guy 'El Pelicano.' A pelican is a useless bird! It can't really fly and it can't really swim. It can't really do anything!" Jefferson responded to these comments, "I'm not completely sure what a Pelican is, but I need to start playing better."
On October 8, just six days before Brown's game against Princeton, he over heard some girls talking in the Ratty.
"All I could hear was that they had learned some unbelievable new techniques that had 'rocked their world.' I wrote down the meeting time and knew I'd find some killer moves there!"
The theme of the October 9 meeting of Femsex was "tantalizing techniques." As one member, Kimberly, described, "[Jefferson] came in with a ridiculous outfit on. He was wearing cleats, padded shorts and a football jersey. He had a big binder with him and even had his helmet."
In describing Jefferson's demeanor during the meeting, one member named Stephanie said, "He seemed so excited. He kept asking questions about execution and what sorts of formations we used these moves in. It was both confusing and kinky at the same time." Jefferson was arming himself with a new arsenal of moves to use against unsuspecting offensive linemen.
As Jefferson wrote on his weekly blog, "My favorite move was 'the Leaping Armadillo.' I'm going to practice it all week."
In a pre-game interview, all Jefferson said was that he was "confident in his ability to get past Princeton's Offensive line, with the help of some unbeatable new moves."
As it turned out, the game was a disaster. Jefferson finally got his chance to play midway through the game. As Coach Estes later admitted, "I told him this was it. He had one play to prove himself. How could I have possibly foreseen him doing that?"
With 3 minutes and 45 seconds left in the third quarter, the Leaping Armadillo was unleashed on the unsuspecting left guard of Princeton. With its premiere came also the first ever "illegal use of hand-cuffs" as well as "extreme unnecessary roughness" penalties raking up a total of forty-five yards and loss of two downs.
As one horrified fan said, "I couldn't believe it. He seemed to swing on the leg of the guard and the next thing we knew the guard's right leg and left arm were handcuffed together and one of his socks had been stuffed in his mouth."
Along with quitting Femsex, Jefferson has to face other losses. Within hours of what has since been renamed the "armadillo heard round the world," the Ivy League commissioner has suspended Jefferson for life. Some of the charges filed against him included "endangering of other athletes by usage of a set of handcuffs, as well as possession of a 'flogging device' and scented candles on a football field."
