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When Liam Edwards '13, a self-proclaimed "down-on-his-luck everyman," first saw Paige Prentice '12 riding her bicycle down Charlesfield Street, he knew instantly that she would be the girl to change his life.
"Her hair was dyed purple and looked like it hadn't been washed in days, but somehow she still managed to exude a girl-next-door vibe," Edwards professed in a tell-all interview. "Hello Kitty backpack. Paperclip earrings. I kid you not. Paperclips. At that point I dropped all my books and chased after her." He paused, nodding approvingly to himself. "Sweeping romantic gestures are for real men."
The coupling had the potential to be a momentous relationship, according to Edwards. Prentice boasts bangs, a knowing smile, and a limitless collection of sundresses. She also owns a massive apartment, despite having no job or anything to do during the day other than show up at Edwards' door and whisk him away on whimsical apple-picking adventures.
Furthermore, Edwards' father was suffering from a terminal illness, putting him in the perfect position to break up with Prentice, spend a few weeks staring mournfully out the window at rain falling, and then have an epiphany at his father's funeral about how much he really loved her.
"Liam was really hung up on this girl," said Edwards' sassy friend with no apparent life of his own, Pete Brody '13.
After a few weeks, however, Edwards' disappointments mounted. "She didn't make me a single eye-opening mixtape," he complained. "And we didn't even have one snowball fight or leaf-raking session that led seamlessly into playful wrestling and then giggly kissing."
Some of Edwards' other unmet expectations included having conversations in bed under a sheet with Prentice's hand on his chest, kissing in the rain while music swells, fighting after the horrible misunderstanding of seeing Prentice's boorish ex-boyfriend kiss her, fighting about things that happened "before I really knew you," and giving impassioned speeches about each other's characteristics in front of a crowd of initially judgmental but ultimately sympathetic strangers.
"In retrospect, I feel like Liam put me on a pedestal," said Prentice. "He once told me that my warmth and fearlessness gave him the courage to open his heart to the joy and pain of the infinite abyss that is life. I mean… I'm just a poli-sci major."
He summarily ended his relationship with Prentice, sending her a series of inflammatory poems describing his impressions of the past month. "I think my favorite was 'Evil Succubi / Have No Place Wearing Earrings / Made of Paperclips,'" said Prentice. "So much emotion in one haiku."
Prentice insists the break-up has had very little impact on her. "In fact, I'm heading to Moscow tonight to study abroad for the rest of the semester." On hearing of her plans, Edwards immediately responded, "Can you give me a ride to the airport?"
