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Michael Drencher '14 masturbates. "And he's really loud about it," his roommate, Trey Bresman '14, told the Brown Noser. Bresman has been putting up with Drencher's audible habit ever since the first week of orientation. "Other people complain about their roommates being too loud when they talk on the phone, or listen to music, or watch TV," Bresman says, "My roommate is too loud when he's… poking his gourd."
At first Bresman's friends thought that his complaints were just the typical my-roommate-is-worse-than-yours statements. "But then one day Trey and I were hanging out in my room," said Vince Cortland '14, next-door neighbor to Bresman and Drencher, "and we heard what sounded like someone playing an intense game of paddleball next door." The cinderblock wall separating the two rooms is fifteen inches thick.
Drencher's self-gratifying cacophony made it difficult for Bresman to do even the most basic of functions. "With that going on, how can he expect me to be able to masturbate?" asked Bresman. "The sound clashes with my porn. It's porn of him masturbating, but nonetheless, you'd think he'd be respectful."
Finally, Bresman determined that if he wanted anything to change, he would need to confront Drencher. Apparently, Drencher was shocked that his roommate even knew he masturbated.
Following the confrontation, things began to improve. The change was very gradual, with small steps here and there. Drencher started by using headphones whenever he streamed internet videos. "And that's when I knew that he had gotten the message," said Bresman, half-smiling.
About a week later, Cortland reported that he could no longer hear anything through the shared wall. "And now," says Bresman, "it just sounds like somebody erasing a really big paragraph."
However, Bresman states that the change has been almost bittersweet. True, he can now study without distraction and get it on without the chick being creeped out. But he said, averting his eyes, that he had actually grown accustomed to the sound of Drencher's regular practices. "It's really weird - and almost difficult - to fall asleep without that background noise that I've gotten used to," Bresman says with a sigh. "Some people like listening to humpback whales when they drift off. But me, I like to fall asleep knowing that my roomie's having a good time."
