Partly Cloudy, 64°
The transition to college life has been difficult for Richard Dunbrough '14, as it usually is for most people. Dunbrough, a full-grown African elephant, has had a tough time adjusting to having a human roommate for the first time, eating at a dining hall instead of a trough, and fitting through doorways. However, none of these incidental annoyances compare to the daily difficulty of trying to convince fellow members of the student body that he is, in reality, from Africa.
"Come on, man," Ted Kimble '14 remarked. "We all know he's fakin' it. The
accent is totally off, his clothes are so New England, and there's a gigantic blue tag that looks like it's stapled to his right ear that says 'Rhode Island #32415'. Ain't nobody thinks that guy's from Africa."
"I honestly don't believe how difficult it's been," Dunbrough said. "It's
like, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not from Africa? Really? Well, how many other African Elephants on campus can you gossip about me to? Oh, right. Zero. Because none of those other fucking elephants can nail a 2190 on their SATs. All they do is sit, yell, and occasionally paint.'"
"He told me once he came over from Africa to Rhode Island on a plane in a
gigantic crate," Rebecca Ronson '14 retorted. "Yeah, ok, like that's a thing. Earth to Richard: nobody rides anywhere in crates. Idiot."
"Also, it's not like he has to be such a d-bag," Kimble '14 continued. "This one time, I definitely saw him at the Roger Williams Zoo. It was definitely him. He was wearing the friendship bracelet I gave him. I waved and yelled his name, but he just made some kind of guttural noise. You know what? Maybe that was his way of saying 'hello.'"
"Nah," Kimble reconsidered. "It was probably just him being a dick."
"I…I don't know what else I can do," Dunbrough lamented. "I mean, I'm
assuming I'm the only fully grown African elephant any of these kids have ever met. Except for the 3,457 incredibly original kids who did charity work in Africa at some point during high school. Maybe there's some kind of deep-seated American stereotype that makes them think elephants are inherently untrustworthy. Or, maybe they're just super confused about why an elephant is trying to talk to them while in line at the Ratty. Or why an elephant just knocked down a good part of the Ratty."
"Thank you for alerting us," admissions offer Kathleen Roberto told the Noser, in response to the elephant issue. "We would never, under any circumstances, admit an actual African elephant from the Roger Williams Zoo to Brown University. A mistake has been made. I mean, for God's sakes, his entire essay was all about the difficult, disease-filled life he'd had in his native Africa! This changes everything. I don't tolerate liars."
"Hey, elephant?" Roberto continued. "The Brown admissions office never forgets. Good luck getting into Med School."
