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On the evening of October 9th, Rob Fischer '13 was "just looking for a party, man." Yet Fischer's plans got set aside when he found himself being held in a Canadian prison. Brown Noser operatives were able to interview Fischer under the ruse of a maximum security conjugal visit, where Fischer claimed that his ill-fated journey began at approximately 8:43 p.m., when he received the following text message from George Parsons '13: "yo dude lets find a sick party dude lets get wasted 2nite."
After drinking half a beer at the Lacrockey house, reaching three parties after alcohol supplies had been fully depleted, and standing awkwardly at every street corner on College Hill, Fischer realized that he was still sober despite his companions being "tooootally wasted."
Although his friends decided to return to their dorms, Fischer chose to continue searching for parties. As he explained, "Some guy told me there was a sick party at Perkins, but I heard it's kind of far away, so I just kept walking, dude. I mean, they even told me there were girls there. Like, you know, ones that would actually talk to you!"
After a time period that Fischer estimated as "maybe 20 minutes" but was in fact one week, he arrived at what he called "the best party I've seen in my entire life. Like, there were whole cars full of people waiting to get in. They had all this fake snow and these moose-looking-things walking around - I guess it was a Christmas theme? I mean, I couldn't actually see anyone partying, but I could just tell it was insane." After extensive investigation, the Brown Noser has discovered that this alleged party was in fact the nation of Canada.
When he arrived at the border checkpoint, Fischer recalls, "They had these really intense bouncers checking everyone's ID, but I was ok, because I have a fake. I just acted cool, you know? Like I was supposed to be there." Fischer presented the border officials with a false identification which he had made himself by scrawling across his Brown ID, "I am 21." A mid-level Canadian official, unable to determine if Fischer's document was a new type of US passport, contacted his superior. After extensive analysis by Canada's finest, it was concluded that Fischer was "a real idiot, even for an American." At this point Fischer was placed under arrest and sent to a nearby detention center, where he remains as of this publication.
When contacted via the Polar Bear Express to comment on the Fischer case, Canadian border officials confirmed that they did not intend to return the Brown student to the United States. As Canadian Border Patrol Commissioner Steven Randolph explained, "We needed a goalie for the Canadian Border Patrol hockey team, and Robert's not bad, eh. I mean, we treat him well - he gets smoked beaver flesh with maple syrup every night. Anyhoo, you Americans got Avril Lavigne and Nickelback. Can't we just keep Rob?"
Brown's chapter of Amnesty International tells the Brown Noser that they have already begun a collection of CDs from the above-named artists so that an exchange might be arranged. Readers can help out by visiting Amnesty.org.
This reporter has already donated his entire music collection.
