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The television and microwave were not the only tools in the Karkoff household this winter.
In a sad tale of collegiate confidence gone wrong, Tommy Karkoff '11 allegedly "acted like a total douchebag" in the days following his return from his first semester at college. According to his cousin Zachary Maxwell, Karkoff managed to transform simultaneously into both a pretentious know-it-all and a puerile asswipe in just a few months.
Maxwell says he noticed the first changes in Karkoff's personality almost immediately upon his cousin's return, including a self-declared fondness for the refreshing taste of Keystone Light beer and a tendency to refer to attractive women as "sweet bitties."
At the dinner table on Christmas Eve, Maxwell's suspicions were confirmed. During the family's discussion of a plan to raise money for Great Aunt Hilda's pending gallbladder surgery, Karkoff was quick to chime in.
"You guys really need to be more selfish. Only Hilda can make herself happy," he advised his relatives. "Haven't you ever read The Fountainhead? It'll totally change your lives."
Maxwell noted that Karkoff went on to name-drop and incorrectly quoted Nietzsche, Sartre, and McNulty from "The Wire."
While his aunts and uncles seemed pleasantly bemused by Karkoff's confident persona, Maxwell remained unimpressed, especially by Karkoff's newfound penchant for passing on unsolicited life lessons.
"Z-Dawg, when you're a college man, you'll realize the importance of having a dope fake ID," Karkoff reportedly told his cousin. Met with a blank stare from Maxwell, he continued, "I guess it's a college thing. You wouldn't understand."
According to Maxwell, the cousins had been close in the past. "It was always kind of our tradition to sit around after Christmas dinner and catch up," said Maxwell. "But this year he just challenged me in Super Mario Smash Kart."
Karkoff seemed unconcerned by his cousin's accusation. "He's obvs just projecting because of his own, like, feelings of insecurity," he said. "We learned all about it in psych."
