Lazareuth Dowl ‘15 is terrified by his parents’ return to campus in late October after his mother and father spent all of move-in weekend embarrassing him by making awkward interruptions, publicly cleaning food off his face and viciously attacking his hallmates’ ankles.
Julia Rampert '11 discovered last weekend that walking across campus at 10 p.m. with a backpack and Brown sweatshirt is far more embarrassing than making a similar journey in a tight dress and heels at 10 a.m. Though well acquainted with the chilly morning-after trek home from a gentleman friend's dorm, Rampert has waited until her senior year to experience the most shameful journey Brown has to offer.
Professor James Matchen has chosen to teach an introductory economics course Satisfactory/No Credit this semester. "I'm not required to teach the course by my department," Matchen, an art history professor, explained. "So it made sense to do it S/NC. After all, that's why I chose to teach at Brown: I can teach things I know nothing about without being held back by worrying about failure.
Should I say her name? People like hearing their names. I read that somewhere. I love it when people say my name. But I don't want to be one of those people who say "Happy birthday, Sarah," as if it's some kind of solemn pronouncement and they're saying something more profound than all the other people who just said "happy birthday!" Maybe I should just say "Happy birthday!" But that is literally what every other post on this wall says.
Though acquaintance "Dani HeyGurrrl Ferocious" '12, whose actual last name you don't remember, has begun completely ignoring you in real life, she persists in inviting you via Facebook to Brown Orchestra concerts, BUGS shows, and a "Sexy Save the Snow Leopards Fundraiser" on the Main Green.
[b]Point: Ugh, When Are We Gonna Go to This Party?[/b]
[i]by Hallie Cantor at 11:15PM[/i]
Come on come on come onnnnn, let's just go to the party already. Are you ready? Then who are we waiting for? EMILYYYYYY come on already, your hair looks fine.
Webster's dictionary defines a cliche as "a trite phrase or expression," but to look at Josh Young '12 is to truly understand the word. Finding an original aspect of Young's life, say friends and teachers, is like finding a needle in a haystack.
As a press release from now-closed Meeting Street pizzeria-seafood-chicken eatery Via Via IV announced last week, "See? We TOLD you guys we weren't the mafia!"
Samantha Morrow '11 is still not sure whether to stay on the meal plan in her senior year, she told the check-out guy at her hometown grocery store, her six-year-old sister, and her mother's bridge partners all summer long.
"I don't think too many seniors are going to stay on the meal plan," she said, typically in the ninth hour of this conversation with anyone who would listen.
While most college students filled the hours with editorial internships or summer retail jobs, your high school friend Diana Agnorelli devoted her entire summer to nonchalantly destroying your very last vestiges of self-respect.
Though you and Agnorelli had stayed in touch via halfhearted Facebook wall posts made on the brink of every school break ("hey are you home? it's been wayyyyy too long!"), the last time you'd spoken was two weeks into freshman year.
Spectrum India, Providence's go-to supplier of sequined, beaded corsets and ankle-skimming, tie-dyed, distressed silk caftans, recently announced the first wave of what it is calling the First Annual You Can Take Anything You Want If It Looks Like You're Shopping Here Sale.
Due to a joint effort between the UCS, UFB, BUAC and the ABCDEFG, table slips are being phased out of the dining halls-a transition which many predict will adversely affect the lives of losers and boring people across campus.
"The boring person community relied on table slips for nine-tenths of our dinner conversation," said Dan Berg '11, a nondescript student of average height and build.
Citing the fact that no one died, caught on fire, or contracted food poisoning at her fourth annual Lonely Hearts Valentine's Dinner, hostess Jill Werther '10 has declared the awkward, depressing gathering "a success!"
Werther was remarkably pleased with her ability to throw such an awesome party on short notice.
The latest hit website, Texts From Next Night, posts text messages sent up to twenty years in the future, giving students clues about the future of the environment, national politics, and whether they will still be regularly "getting redic shity off karkov and hittign on my chem TA" (sic) when they are 35.
Brown Daily Herald Sports writer Anand Meyer '12 used his last known synonym for "win" in last month's coverage of the women's basketball team's recent "thwacking" of Cornell.
"I'm at a loss," said Meyer of his recent attempts to come up with a new term. "In other words, I'm annihilated, beat, crushed, defeated, embarrassed, flogged, gone, hindered, impeded, janked, knocked out, licked, massacred, neutralized, overwhelmed, pulverized, quelled, ruined, slaughtered, thrashed, undone, vanquished, whomped, x'd-out.y'know, zapped.
Early Tuesday morning, Brian Mepsis '12 was blindsided and beside himself-all due to the side of a building.
Shortly after Mepsis completed his carefully calculated hair flip and adopted an innocent gee-would-you-look-at-that-this-building-is-reflective facial expression in the window of the BioMed center, he turned his gaze to an engraving on the side of J.
It was revealed earlier this week that your lab partner for the remainder of the semester will be that kid you've avoided since the first week of class when he saw you picking your nose in the Frisc.
In previous attempts to rationalize the incident, you have reminded yourself that you weren't really picking, but rather scratching an itch on the inside of your left nostril.
Confusion gripped Jolene Bryce '12 this Saturday night when she received a text message from Philip Tezzo '12 reading: "Are you gout? Wanna comb over?"
"I was a little insulted at first. I know my hair is thin. He doesn't have to be cruel," said Bryce.
Scientists at the Institute of Let's Just, Like, Lie Here On the Grass for a While, Okay? have conclusively demonstrated that the cloud right over there looks sort of like a really angry dragon.
This finding represents the most seminal research from the Institute, which was founded by Chief Formation Analyst Tony Hodge '11.
Saturday night took a distressing turn for a group of students in Grad Center Tower D when they found themselves arguing about a Trivial Pursuit question, rather than about what time to leave for a frat party.
According Noreen Sapp '11, she and her friends had just finished a few rounds of flip cup when Rodney Babbis '11 spoke up.
Though the current economic crisis has many students feeling pessimistic about internship opportunities for this coming summer, Jed Wilcox '09 is angling for a job with his business hero: the Thayer Street necklace guy.
"I started researching this internship back in January," said Wilcox, a Commerce, Organizations, and Entrepreneurship concentrator.
It should have been a routine visit to the Rock for Timothy Seltzer '12, who planned to do some Chem 33 reading, check if he'd been invited to any new Facebook events, and maybe sprint through the stacks pretending that a headless monster was chasing him through the darkness.
While most of us have our noses to the grindstone during reading period, Matt Levy '10 will be asking, "Why so serious?" Levy is already planning to show up to his family's Hanukkah celebration dressed as Heath Ledger's Joker from summer blockbuster 'The Dark Knight.
The entire sophomore class is at risk of developing scoliosis due to a particularly potent case of sophomore slump, according to an e-mail Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services Margaret Klawunn sent to the student body last week.
The e-mail reads, "Are you having trouble deciding on a concentration? Feel detached from your friends and classmates? Unable to stand up straight enough to reach the cereal dispensers at the Ratty? If you said yes to these questions, you may be experiencing sophomore slump.
Brown probably took home the Ivy League Championship last month in a game against either Cornell or Columbia. Or if it wasn't one of those, it was definitely Penn or Yale. Or Princeton, Harvard, or Dartmouth. Wait, Stanford's not in the Ivy League, right? Okay.
Dudes and ladies, it's Chad Myers reporting-the My-Man! I know you've been holding your breath waiting to hear my take on the summer's illest jams, so let's get it started!
Long story short, some turd spilled a Natty on my iPod at an epic end-of-summer rager, so I had to borrow my younger sister's.
Due to the accidental deletion of the word "House" in a Residential Life listing of Poland House Residents, over 50 students living in Keeney Quad currently possess diplomatic immunity.
These students now enjoy total freedom from the laws of the United States and the rules of the university, most notably the ability to double-park anywhere on campus.
Omigod, you guys. This is unbelievable. I'm totally going to write about this on my blog! Seriously. This is even crazier than the time that guy tried to hit on Becca at Liquid by telling her that he was a retired Navy Captain. (I mean he wasn't even wearing a uniform! You don't remember that?! You can see it in my facebook photos.I think it's under Sophomore Year, November, Part 4, Album A.)
But this is way more bizarre! And once I post about it, everyone is going to know.
With his liberal policies and message of change, it is unsurprising that Senator Barack Obama has experienced unprecedented popularity among college students. However, a handful of Brown students have taken their advocacy of the Senator to the next level. Some members of Brown Students for Barack Obama have taken to keeping small shrines to the Senator in their dorm rooms, constantly quoting "Barack" in conversations unrelated to politics, and shivering violently whenever anyone refers to "Hillary Clinton" rather than "She Who Must Not Be Named.
In the interest of full disNoser, I'll admit that I applied to be a staff writer for the Brown Noser at the beginning of the semester. My submission was full of pure gold material, too. ("What happened when everyone got diarrhea on Spring Weekend? - A Pupe Fiasco!" C'mon! That's grade-A jokage, friends.
EmPOWER, the student group advocating the University's carbon-neutrality, released a report last week urging the Brown community to "Look around! You will see alarmingly rapid temperature rises, flowers where just a few weeks ago were bare branches, and even augmented daylight hours.
For years, transfer students arriving at Brown have complained heartily about the University's lack of guidance for transfers during the spring shopping period, and this January proved no exception. Shopping period was especially confusing for Amanda Glass '09, a transfer student from the University of California in Los Angeles.
The television and microwave were not the only tools in the Karkoff household this winter. In a sad tale of collegiate confidence gone wrong, Tommy Karkoff '11 allegedly "acted like a total douchebag" in the days following his return from his first semester at college.
The number of inappropriate jokes made by students currently enrolled in Introductory Archaeology is "growing larger than ever," according to Professor Archibald Rogers.
The first incident occurred in early November. Holding up a digit-sized bone during lecture, Rogers remarked to the class on its durability.
The Surgeon General announced last week that elliptical machines, thought by some to provide a low-impact yet high-intensity workout, actually provide no workout at all.