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Unprompted by her peers or any other observable stimuli within her immediate vicinity, Ariana Jennings '13 announced last Saturday that she had imbibed copious amounts of alcohol.
"OMG you guys," Jennings said loudly to no one in particular. "I am, like, sooooooooooo drunk right now."
It was not immediately clear to this reporter if Jennings was using "like" to compare her status to that of being sooooooooooo drunk, or if the word was superfluous, and she meant to say that she was literally sooooooooooo drunk.
The first-year went on to announce, "I looooooooooove you guys." Again, this statement was seemingly not directed at any one person or group of people, though no one in the room seemed to be particularly bemused or offended. Whether or not this love is conditional upon her state of drunkenness remains uncertain.
Despite the devastating impact of these bellowed statements, the dorm party carried on uninterrupted for some time after Jennings' declaration of inebriation. The thrillingly tawdry tale was recounted over meals at least three times over the next two days.
"So I walked into the room and then this guy was, like, standing there and then he looks and me and then he was like, do you want a drink?" Jennings told her roommate, Samantha Skidmore '13, over brunch at the Ratty on Sunday.
"I had heard the story once already," Skidmore later told a Noser reporter, indicating that she lacked the common sense to tell Jennings to shut up.
"And then I was like, um, sure! And then he was like, OK, what kind? And then I was like, um, I don't know! And then he was like, OK.so then I was like, give me a virgin strawberry daiquiri!"
After a bite of turkey tetrazinni, Jennings cheerfully added: "I got so crunk!"
"I didn't have the heart to correct her," Skidmore told the Noser. "I didn't correct her the first time, I didn't do it the second time. I think I'm just going to have to hear this story over and over until someone has the guts to tell her she wasn't drunk at all."
".Shit," Skidmore added, upon reflection.
