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In a maneuver that severely annoyed her former friend and occasional hook-up buddy Luke Rohde '11, Isabel Matthews '11 announced yesterday that she is prepared to present a lengthy videotape of her and Rohde performing various sexual acts should he fail to meet her dastardly demands.
"Believe me, I'm going to send this to his friends, his parents, his aunts and uncles, his first grade teacher, Fox Providence - it's going to be a disaster on wheels." When asked if she would be willing to furnish a copy to the Brown Noser to confirm the tape's existence, however, this reporter was slapped in the face. Twice.
Rohde says the threat caught him off-guard. "Yeah, I thought we had a great thing going," he said. "Pretty much a couple times a week we would play some Mario Kart and then get to sixty-nine-ing."
Rohde admits, however, that there were early signs that something was amiss. "There was this, like, poster of me above her desk. I guess she must have printed it out from Facebook or something. When I brought it up she said she puts up pictures like that of all her friends. I pointed out that mine was the only one up there. Then she said it's only people she plays Mario Kart with, which I can totally understand." Added Rohde, "Then again, I still couldn't shake the feeling it's only people she sixty-nines with."
Rohde says filming them was primarily Mattia's idea, which Matthews has confirmed. "I guess I thought it sounded kind of debonair," Rohde said, "but also like a logistical nightmare. Who has a camera? Where are you going to get a tripod of all things? "
"It wasn't easy," Matthews said, "but listen, where there's a will, there's someone at Media Services who's going to lend you a tripod to film you and your friend Luke sixty-nine-ing."
"After a while I kind of forgot all about it," Rohde said, "but then all the sudden Isabel got really mad at me because I played a few rounds of Mario Kart with Lauren [Pankowski '11]. To be honest, I didn't think it was such a big deal. She's not even good."
"Dude," Matthews said, "he played Mario Kart with her. You know what follows Mario Kart? Sixty-nine-ing. Are you writing this down? Sixty. Nine. Ing."
She confronted Rohde about the incident, and, unsatisfied with his reply, stared him down and whispered, "I have videos."
"I was a little confused," Rohde said. "I think I asked her, 'You mean like 'The Big Green?'' But then it hit me." Her threats have grown more dramatic by the hour since she first made them.
"She left this crazy message saying if I don't call her back within the hour, she's going to add commentary," Rohde said. He added, "How is that even worse?"
When asked about the experience as a whole, Rohde appeared to grow reminiscent. "I kind of preferred when we would play a little Mario Kart and then sixty-nine to when she started calling me and telling me if I don't quit playing Mario Kart with other girls she'll send a tape of us to my parents," Rohde said. "I mean for Wario's sake, I was wearing Devil's horns. We were listening to Dave Matthews. I don't want that stuff to go public.
Wait, what did you say this was for again?"
