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A Brown undergrad became severely ill after consuming a fungus-ridden muffin in the Blue Room last Tuesday, forcing Brown University Dining Services to temporarily shut down the popular cafe, according to BUDS Associate Director, Peter Rossi.
Bart Kasziew '09 purchased one pistachio muffin and an orange juice on his way to a 9 am class. According to witnesses, Kasziew only managed to take three bites of the muffin before collapsing on the floor, ripping off his clothing, and crawling around Faunce on all fours. Brown EMS was called immediately, and was forced to use a variety of restraining techniques, including fourteen tasers, a pitbull, and "The Bludgeoner" to effectively transport Kasziew to Rhode Island Hospital.
The Blue Room reopened in time to serve Wednesday morning's breakfast-goers.
Kasziew's unfortunate breakfast decision coincided with the second day of SexPowerGod ticket sales. Over 100 students had been waiting in line, some since as early as 6 am, to purchase tickets for the infamous Queer Alliance party, when Kasziew began "crawling around the Faunce hallway on hands and knees, singing a mournful sonata about the quality of American pistachios and chewing on green objects," QA member Liz Robertson informed our staff.
"I've never seen anyone act like that, and I've seen the effects certain fungi can have on people," Robertson said. "I guess fungi that grow on muffins are not quite as safe for personal consumption as fungi that grow in cow manure."
Ostensibly, Kasziew also tried to urinate on several students waiting in line. Many students initially believed Kasziew was behaving strangely as some sort of SPG promotion. QA has confirmed that Kasziew has never been involved in any of its activities. Additionally, QA stated that Kasziew's behavior did not negatively affect SPG ticket sales.
"If anything, his extreme behavior drew more attention to the event, and may have even boosted our ticket sales," said an anonymous QA board member.
The errant muffin's remains were sent to Brown's biology department for classification.
"The species of fungus we found growing on and inside this muffin is known as Penicillium borealis," said mycology Professor Hubert Edelman. "The bright green color of the fungus's spores is very similar in tone to the color of the artificial dyes used when baking the Blue Room's pistachio muffins, making this sort of fungal infection nearly impossible to detect without laboratory techniques."
Fungal poison expert Salvador Hoffman described the toxic effects of P. borealis as "uniquely vicious on the human psyche and senses."
"Generally, humans can identify the fungus by its distinct color, making cases of human consumption of this particular fungus relatively rare," Hoffman said. "However, as this innocent young man has demonstrated, this is not a forgiving fungus. Kasziew has a long recovery, which may involve lobotomy and eye transplants."
Kasziew remains in critical, but stable, condition at Rhode Island Hospital. When he is released, he will be spending two to three weeks at a low-intensity mental institution before being released back into society.
How this fungus managed to infect just one of many pistachio muffins has yet to be determined. BUDS insists that the fungus has not been found in a test sampling of all muffins. The Blue Room continues to serve its bright green pistachio muffins, albeit with a warning label that reads: "This delicious pistachio muffin, containing only the finest organic Warwick pistachios, may be infected with P. borealis; enjoy!" as per Rhode Island State Health Statute 452.21.b.
