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The night started off pretty respectably for Chris Wheaton '11. Donning a bold, plaid button-up with a gray v-neck underneath, Wheaton was at the peak of his collegiate manhood.
"This evening will be a spectacular evening," Wheaton said, paraphrasing a popular Black Eyed Peas chart topper at a party. But only Chris Wheaton of the future could confirm or repudiate this claim made by Present Chris.
At the party, several women, above-average in appearance, approached him to dance. "We were looking hot. Present Chris was executing the reverse Lebanese falafel maker perfectly, and the ladies were eating it up," Future Chris said.
However, as his consumption of alcohol increased linearly, his benchmark for potential partners plummeted exponentially. Four Pabst Blue Ribbons and twelve Doritos later, Present Wheaton began suggestively dancing with a "26" year old "grad student" named "Celine."
As hindsight is 20/20, days ahead, the Chris of the future was shaking his head at his contemporary counterpart. "I could tell that chick was bad news from hours ahead," Future Wheaton said. "But as usual, he was listening to his dick instead of me."
The dancing quickly escalated to a 7 minute rendezvous in the men's bathroom. "Dude, I thought she was kinda hot, like exotic," Present Chris defended. "I swear I didn't notice the mustache," he said after recalling a tale similar to the premise of the Kinks' song "Lola."
After realizing his youthful libido, Present Chris left the party with his dorm mates to head over to Thayer to get food. "Of course, the asshole ordered a three bean burrito. Typical," Future Chris said.
Two beers and one bean burrito later, Present Chris began to parkour, a sport in which practitioners "run, jump, climb, and roll through rooftops, gaps, pipes, practically anything in an urban environment," according to Urban Dictionary, a prestigious catalogue of colloquial expressions. Several failed attempts to parkour the railings in front of the Rock, ending in "dick crushing," led Present Wheaton's friends to call it a night for him.
"After he threw up on the Main Green, I knew Future Chris was going to be pissed," friend Michael Rodriguez '11 said. Rodriguez and two others helped drag Chris' body back to Grad Center.
"God damn, it was so embarrassing to watch my plaid-ass get dragged down Thayer," Future Wheaton said. "And my dick still hurts."
