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Residents of West Andrews learned a little too much about their dorm mate last weekend when the classic freshman icebreaker of drunken Never Have I Ever laid bare the dark and twisted sexual history of Alec Shore '13.
Said one participant, who asked that his name be withheld, "You always expect a few weird things to come out in Never Have I Ever: maybe the jock has kissed a dude, the shy girl has done anal, stuff like that. But this was just way beyond anything I could imagine."
Reportedly, the revelations began with when Shore's finger dropped with "never have I ever had a foot fetish". After that, relayed our anonymous informant, "We started asking about all kinds of weird shit, and his fingers just kept going down. We had to stop after one hand because we had all started vomiting."
"I can't believe it," commented Josh Speyer '13, a fellow resident of West Andrews. "I mean, I always thought of him as the kind of quiet kid who just hung around and didn't say much. You know, a little strange, but totally harmless. Now I'm worried because I left my room unlocked once. You never know if he was in there. And one time we were all drinking in my room and he sat on my bed. ON MY FUCKING BED!!!"
Speyer is recovering, but others still have a long way to go. After the word got out, seven residents of West Andrews had to be treated by Psychological Services for emotional trauma. The University has asked that Pembroke residents remain calm, and is requiring that they each undergo a mandatory evaluation so Psych Service can assess the extent of the damages.
"I'm not sure if anything he did was illegal, but it should be" remarked Speyer with a shiver. "I mean, even Kinsey wouldn't dare go into this kind of thing. It leaves '2 Girls 1 Cup' in the dust."
As for Shore's roommate, we found him curled up in a corner in the basement of Perkins. "All those times I came home and saw a sock on the door. Jesus. At least now I know what happened to my fish." He reported that he has burned his sheets, and is going to sleep over with friends in Wayland "If I ever sleep again."
Shore himself refused to comment for the story, but we gleaned from a reliable source that, in addition to "kinky shit," he enjoys wearing a toupee, raising his hamster, and playing the Mario Kart level "Rainbow Road."
