Move over, IMPROVidence! Out of the way, Mock Trial! Get lost, Badmaash! There's a new obsession amongst Brown students: their incredibly athletic and dashingly attractive ballroom dance team.
"I've never seen anyone pull off the moves they do!" said Ballroom Dance Captain Tommy Mulroney '12. "Somebody's got to check these guys out!"
If you've been on campus the past few weeks, you've noticed the buzz surrounding this plucky team of ballroom dancers. Their Cinderella story has captured the hearts and minds of the Brown community.
"They're just great," raves Matt Bonner '11. "I can't wait to perform.. I mean see them perform on May 8th, 9th, and 10th on the Main Green. The performances will take place at 8 p.m."
"If it rains, the location will be changed to the basement of Salomon," Bonner added helpfully.
It's hard to go anywhere on campus without hearing excited chatter about the ballroom dance team. Whether it be at a ballroom dance rehearsal, or a ballroom dance performance, everyone is talking about ballroom dance.
"They're not only talented, but unbelievably attractive as well," said Marsha Robinson '12, that girl from my biology class who is certainly not a biased member of the Ballroom Dance Team. "I would date any one of them in a second. Literally any one of them."
"Whoa, Marsha, slow down!" Mulroney responded with a coquettish wink. "You can see any member of the ballroom dance team you want to on May 8th, 9th, or 10th on the Main Green at 8 p.m., provided it doesn't rain!"
Despite such wholly positive reviews of the ballroom dance team, with great success come the requisite nasty rumors. However, a little investigative work has proven these accusations both untrue and ridiculous. Contrary to popular belief, every member of the ballroom dance team can do a double tuck twist. Come see for yourself! The devious rumor that tickets are unavailable is also not true. Tickets are, in fact, still available.
"'Don't miss out on the fun,'" said Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron. "'Preorder your ticket in the lobby of J. Walter Wilson Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday of next week.' This is an example of a tableslip you might see around campus. It contains very little information, and yet wastes a large amount of paper. If we switched over to a paperless system, howev-"
Fellow worried students should also make sure to make their way to J. Walter Wilson before tickets are history, a recent study shows. Also, developments indicate that anyone who has called any member of the ballroom dance team an "ugly momma's boy with gay shoes" in the past is a loser and a dumbass. Furthermore, look in your mailbox, Mike Jefferson '13. Yeah, I put a diaper I found in a dumpster in there. Check it out.
With spring comes ballroom dance fever. It's only natural. The mass hysteria was probably summed up best by President Ruth Simmons in her recent address. "The ballroom dance team will perform May 8th, 9th, and 10th on the main green," Simmons gushed, "weather-permitting."
Truer words were never spoken.