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The Brown Noser

Gender Studies Professor Develops Cold Fusion

Published Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

A Brown University spokesperson announced yesterday that Earth's energy crisis is solved thanks to Thomas French, Associate Professor of Gender Studies. Four days ago, French successfully developed Cold Fusion, a feat that scientists had long attempted before finally dismissing as "too fucking hard."

Nuclear fusion is the process by which two atoms are forced together to form a single atom, thus releasing a ridiculous amount of energy. Cold Fusion is nuclear fusion achieved in an environment that is near room temperature.

"I still don't understand what happened," French told <i>The Noser</i>. "There I was, just sitting at home reading a recent paper on the nature of adolescence in early matriarchal societies, when I decided to make a Denver Omelet. Being the adventurous type, I grabbed some paprika from the spice rack to give my meal a decorative and flavorful kick. I flicked the bottle over the omelet once, and my house exploded."

For the next two days, a team of researchers worked tirelessly to determine with which ingredient of French's omelet the paprika reacted to produce nuclear fusion. Their results were astonishing.

"So, uh, it turns out you need the whole omelet," explained Chief Researcher Dr. Cassandra Flint. "And you can't have just any omelet-you actually need a Denver Omelet. Mushrooms, green onions, bell peppers, ham, the whole shooting match. You can't even add extra ingredients&#8230; throws it all out of whack. Top that baby off with a dash of paprika, and you're powering Manhattan for the better part of a month."

The ramifications of this discovery have been tremendous. Power plants around the country are already being shut down and replaced by diners. The Transportation Security Administration has banned all eggs, omelets, spices, skillets, and anything made in Colorado from both checked and carryon luggage. Popular spice brand McCormick is releasing a paprika replacement known as "Paprikesque" with the tagline, "Tastes just like paprika, only it won't obliterate humanity!"

French's discovery has caused no small amount of controversy at Brown as well. The University has decided to swap the budgets of the Engineering and Gender Studies Departments in the hopes that the added funding will lead French to further discoveries.

"This is bullshit!" exclaimed Engineering professor Kathleen Jacobs. "French is no scientist. All he did was season his breakfast strangely. What are they really expecting him to do with all that money-gender stuff?"

"I guess the best thing for me to do is to keep living my life and see what I stumble upon next," French said. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's this machine in my office that won't stop moving, and it's really starting to
bug me."

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