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An investigation of the blackout of the entire off-campus community last Friday has led to the indictment of Rhode Island Governor Donald Carcieri. The area was blacked-out due to an unusually conductive canoli, found wedged into a circuit breaker next to a transformer buried under Wayland Square. National Grid is also bringing a civil suit against the governor.
Employees at Haruki East have testified that an unidentified man, dressed as a red plumber, emerged from a manhole in Wayland Square shortly after the blackout. The man quickly entered a car driven by Mr. Carcieri's wife who was disguised as a green plumber. The Haruki employees said that the car then turned onto Angell towards Thayer after sprinkling the road behind them with banana peels and rainbow mystery boxes, which were filled with banana peels.
The employees did not call the police because this did not seem unusual to them. There was, however, disagreement over whether Luigi indeed had a mustache.
Governor Carcieri was then seen minutes later outside of Roba Dolce! After running into Roba Dolce! armed with a plunger, the notorious fan of the chain's gelato was given free cones.
After receiving his free cones, the governor ran down Thayer, hands flailing over his head, yelling, "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream." Roba Dolce! was then scolded by Mrs. Carcieri for giving him caffe rather than his usual straccietella.
Witnesses point to a similar ruse employed by the Hamburgler during his parole in the summer of 2003. It resulted in rolling blackouts over the entire east coast. Unfortunately for him, he got stuck in the drive-thru without cash when he was told that there was no fear of the hamburgers' melting.
Strangely, receiving a free cone was not Mr. Carcieri's main objective. He intended instead to rob Roba Dolce! once the security system was disabled by the power outage. He testified that he planned to enter through back doors, hold up Roba Dolce! and escape through the bathroom it shares with Geoff's. Once in Geoff's, where his greatest fear would be the staff's sass, he could leisurely walk out unsuspected.
The timing was also planned so that the usually hard gelato had time to melt to a more palatable consistency, or as Governor Carcieri put it, "until it was a just a right."
