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What began as a normal Thanksgiving dinner for the Swanson family ended in shouts of explosive anger, as Grandma Swanson was repeatedly ordered to cease her usually ignored racist antics. "It got ugly," commented Papa Swanson.
Fifteen-year-old Jimmy Swanson concurred with his father's statement. "It was pretty hilarious. Everyone started yelling. Grandma didn't know what the hell was going on. The whole dinner fell apart."
Indeed, Mama Swanson's homemade cheesecake, a Thanksgiving tradition in their Wisconsin home, never had the opportunity to be served. The dessert remains chilling in the kitchen.
The events of the dinner have been reconstructed from witness testimony.
5:00 PM CST - Grandma, Papa, Mama, Jimmy, and Carol Swanson '11 join in grace.
5:03 PM CST - Grandma Swanson talks about the lazy Mexican janitors at the local senior center as the family passes stuffing around the table. Her story is met with polite nods.
5:10 PM CST - Grandma Swanson, with a mouthful of turkey and mashed potatoes theorizes that African Americans are genetically predisposed to steal TV sets. Papa Swanson attempts to change the topic of conversation.
5:14 PM CST - Grandma Swanson throws the family off guard when she comments on how Chinese people are opium addicts. Mama Swanson pours herself another glass of wine.
5:17 PM CST - Grandma Swanson expounds on the mass Jewish conspiracy of world domination. Carol, who recently started dating a young Jewish man at Brown, yells at her grandmother, telling her to "shut [her] damn racist mouth." Papa Swanson demands that Carol "show [her] grandmother some respect." Conversation quickly dissolves into argument and disorder. Dinner ends prematurely.
Afterward, Grandma Swanson claimed that she was not "that surprised" by Carol's words. "She's at that age where she thinks she knows everything. When she's seen as much as I have, she'll look back on that day with embarrassment."
Carol defended her outburst. "Grandma's been like this for years, and no one has ever called her out on it. It's always 'the Puerto Ricans did this' or 'those filthy Koreans did that'. Enough's enough. We can't keep handling her with kid gloves. Besides, Koreans are a very cleanly people." Mama Swanson, who had been on her ninth glass of wine at the time of the incident, remembered the dinner as being "quite pleasant."
Papa Swanson tried to excuse his mother's behavior. "You have to understand that Grandma's a product of a different era. You can't judge her by today's standards. Things weren't the same then. She doesn't know any better. She's stuck in her ways.ah, fuck it. My mom's a bigot. In the 50s, she went down to Arkansas to bar the schoolhouse doors with Orval Faubus."
Reports illustrate that this event is not an isolated phenomenon. Recent studies have indicated the presence of a worldwide trend of racist grandmothers. "Research shows that 86.3% of all grandmothers are highly racist," said Richard Schlosky, Brown professor of sociology. "Most seem to get away with it, however, by virtue of their decrepitude." Although no one has yet proven a concrete reason for such predominant grandmother racism, Schlosky has come to one definite conclusion: "Grandmas are bat-shit nuts."
