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"I would say things like, 'Pass me some of that Kush, friend,' or 'Let's take a hit on a bong, Mr. O'Reilly,' or 'Time to do drugs, Senator,'" Roberts claims.
Larry Roberts, long-time Providence resident and accomplished "drug knower,"
considers himself a man who is fairly up-to-date on the trends and nuances of the
drug lifestyle. He devoted the entire decade of the 1970s to figuring out what drug
words mean in order to properly converse with those around him.
However, in recent years, Roberts has "lost touch" with a drug community that has
seemingly passed him by. Larry Roberts, like many Americans, still isn't totally sure
what meth actually is.
"Sure, I've heard the word 'meth,'" Roberts states. "I think meth has been covered
on pretty much every news show, every drama and every sitcom that does a 'very
special episode.' However, I think I speak for all of America when I say I'm not
100 percent clear on the details of how it's made. It is 'made,' right?"
Beyond confirming the fact that the drug is, in fact, made, this reporter cannot offer
much further explanation of meth's actual purpose to our readers. Further research
of esteemed government websites and Craigslist seems to indicate that meth is
generally cooked in trailers across the Midwest, especially in one located "one turn
off the Missouri turnpike. If you pass Clem's Donut Bank, you've gone too far." There is still no
indication of whether this is a world-renowned meth hub.
"I believe I can clear up this debate once and for all," Professor Whitt Pullman of
the Columbia University Institute for Narcotic Research told the Brown Noser. "Meth,
or 'weed,' is a non-addictive drug generally injected in an 'acid trip.' Other nicknames for meth include 'nosecandy,' 'Clem's Donut Bank,' and 'Ecstasy.' Glad I could be of service."
"I've got to tell you," Roberts confessed, "I can't wrap my brain around the fact that
I still can't understand this 'meth' stuff. I mean, it's always on my brain. I guess
you could call me a real 'meth-head.' See? I'm so preoccupied with this that I'm
inventing terms for being obsessed with meth. Something is wrong with me."
It certainly seemed as if this meth conundrum was doomed to never be solved,
eternally floating on the periphery of American consciousness until we found a new
drug to be confused about. Roberts, however, seemed to figure out the origin of his lack of meth knowledge.
"Yeah, see, I used to know all about meth," Roberts continued, "and then I did a whole bunch of meth. Like, a lot of it. And now it's all, 'What are words?', you know?"
"Want some meth?" Roberts added, and proceeded to scratch his eyeball for 10 minutes.
