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David Garcia '11 is known across campus as one of the most accomplished film critics at Brown University. Thanks to eloquent, gushingly positive reviews such as "Citizen Kane: Not So Bad, Except That One Part" and "Casablanca: I Dunno, Dude," Garcia has risen above the confines of his plaid button-downs, tight jeans and independent concentration in "Ideas and What They Signify" to become what some have called "Ebert and Roeper's deformed, slightly autistic film critique lovechild." He agreed to meet exclusively with the Brown Noser to discuss his elated reaction to James Cameron's Avatar.
"I mean, I didn't actually enjoy it, but I would watch it again, you know?" began Garcia, speaking from a corner of the Sharpe Refectory which he insists on calling his "office." "Like, there were some clear plot weaknesses, but I suppose in strict aesthetic terms it was passable. It was really quite lacking in terms of basic mechanics, though, something which I find is a problem in much of contemporary film. It's really a shame that something with, arguably, a tiny sliver of potential could turn out to be so utterly mediocre."
"It's basically just Titanic with blue cat people," Garcia continued, after pausing to light an American Spirit cigarette, which he claimed to have rolled himself. "Which is ironic, actually, considering that Titanic is a clear recycling of the basic plot elements found in Terminator 2. It's like Cameron has only ever written one screenplay and he just changes the names or whatever. Just switch 'hasta la vista' with 'I'm flying, Jack,' right? Are you with me on this one?"
"Anyways, Avatar just isn't very realistic. Are you following me, dude? Like, seriously? Okay, good. Just making sure; it looked like you were dozing off for a second there. I guess basically what I'm trying to say is that it was too mainstream, too conformist. That's just not what I'm into."
When asked about other recent films that he enjoyed as much as Avatar, Garcia was surprisingly reticent. "Other movies I like? Well, it's interesting that you ask, because I wouldn't say that I like much of anything. I'm just grudgingly tolerant of life in general, I suppose. As far as films go, there are a few I can bear to watch, but I certainly don't derive pleasure from the experience. What? Yes, of course that includes Avatar. No, I never said that I enjoyed - hold on, let me see your notes."
"Eloquent, gushingly positive reviews? High levels of praise? Deformed, slightly autistic film critique lovechild? Interviewee's garbage-like odor makes it difficult to concentrate on what he's saying, so I assume he liked the movie just fine? Huh. I see how it is, man. That's not cool. That's not cool at all. Get out of my office this instant."
David Garcia's film column, 'The Circumvention of Conformity,' appears semi-regularly in the College Hill Independent, and he would like to make it clear that, depending on how exactly you define a shower, he arguably took one last Tuesday.
