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No one was surprised at last week's discovery that members of the Brown men's ice hockey team were unable to read the headline to this article. Experts predicted that this phenomenon would occur. The reasons, however, are currently under investigation.
"We're not really sure exactly why the symbols of the English language aren't translating into words for the entire team," said Professor Sobel of the Cognitive and Linguistic Sciences Department. "People with a base-level intellect can generally put together the letters h-o-c-k-e-y and come out with hockey. The fact that no person on the twenty-six-man roster understands the headline is borderline absurd."
Professor Sobel is currently teaching a course titled Children's Thinking: The Nature of Cognitive Development. The course examines cognitive development from infancy to middle childhood. Professor Sobel is using the hockey team as one of the course's case studies.
The team's response illustrated the recent development that hockey players were unable to read this headline.
"This is gibberish," said forward Jordan Pietrus '10 upon seeing the headline.
Goalie Dan Rosen '10 commented, "I haven't taken a course in Mayan languages yet, so I can't help you with reading this headline."
"I don't think this is the English language," said defenseman Sean Hurley '08. "What dumb newspaper would print random symbols? Those guys are idiots."
Upon discovering what the headline said and that it was, in fact, English, Hurley revised his comment.
"I'm going to kick the guy who wrote this article's ass. I'm going to kick the editors of this paper's ass. I'm going to kick TCI printing press's ass for printing this newspaper. And then, I'm going to ask Ruth Simmons to go skating and then hit her against the boards for being the head of the school in which this paper exists."
