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The Brown Noser

I Am The Registrar. Suck It.

Published Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Registrants:

It is with great displeasure that I take a moment to address the horde of cretinous filth that comprises my constituency. Though you all leave a bilious, acrid aftertaste in the mouth of myself and, indeed, the entire administration, it continues to be my mortal burden to shepherd you through this institution.

You were all told the story of how I rose to power at orientation-but regardless, I shall refresh you. When God spoke to me that hallowed night on the Quiet Green, in hushed and God-ish tones, I saw my path laid out ever so clearly before me:

"Michael J. Pesta," He whispered, to which I requested that He "say it" rather than "spray it."

Apologetically, the Lord continued:

"Michael J. Pesta, you have led a fair and orderly life. Will you sit atop University Hall like some majestic transcript dispensing hawk and see to it that students both hither and thither know the add/drop deadlines?"

"Have you chosen me as your. as." I stammered, stunned to believe it was finally happening.

"Yes." He thundered. "As head of them all. Give that a moment to register."

"Goddamn it, I am funny." I remember him adding.

Not opposed to invoking divine right, I was ordained thusly. I have reigned nobly for eight arduous years, all the while leading you, my blind, writhing larvae, into caterpillarhood.

Despite my selfless, tireless registrarism, the journey has been largely thankless. I would like to take this opportunity to voice a number of complaints that have got my slacks in a jumble:

1. There has recently been a rash, among both my colleagues and subjects, of attempts to drop the initial article "the" from my title. I am "The Registrar" and will be referred to as such. "Registrar" plain shall henceforth not suffice. (To my family: consider this fair warning that "pass the cornbread, Registrar," at dinner will no longer garner even a begrudging pass. I will be
addressed in full, or not at all.)

2. Every morning as I wake up and festoon myself with the cumbersome robes of my trade, I wonder why I must be weighed down by the leopard skins, the deep purple satin, and the scepter of registriarii before me. Effective immediately, a swooshy track suit shall suffice.

3. I have received a number of inquiries lately concerning the etymology of my title. Initial research indicates it is derived from the Latin "regis," meaning "fierce and indisputable ruler of" and the German "strar," meaning "every living organism under the jurisdiction of a particular university." I hope this has obliterated any potential ambiguity.

4. I shall require tithes beginning in the fall of 2008.

All in all, quite reasonable. I presume you agree. As expected, I have grown tired of addressing you. I retire now to more private quarters, where I will spin my giant wheel-of-fortune and decide the start of spring semester 2012.

Regards,

Michael J. Pesta, MMVII

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