Michael's articles
Students unwilling to man up and give it to her proper can now get their precious condoms from a machine that won't judge them for the chumps they are.
"This is a big step for sexual education here at Brown," said some dumb cunt who needs to quit blathering and get on the pill.
Strolling around the corner after collecting a package, Eli Mangrove '09 encountered what he describes as "the most feared sight on campus" - a table full of excitable dance enthusiasts adorned with flagrant colors, blaring "that damned cultural music" and hawking tickets to Shake!, a semi-annual exposition of Latin dance and performance art.
Every morning as I sit down in some stifling classroom without having so much as broken a sweat on the journey thereto, I nearly convulse over the banality of my daily travels. With little more than a satchel of texts, the clothes on my back, and a freshly sharpened Puma P116396 Stainless Steel Stag Handle Bowie Knife, I sleepily set out for class knowing full-well how unlikely it is that I will have to fell anywhere between fifty and seventy-five furiously whooping savages, gargle luxuriously with a thick mouthful of crimson, and vomit a great arc into the mouths of their helplessly restrained progeny.
Ever since Jimmy Kilgrove '09 texted HOTT to 55673, his phone has been literally teeming with phat beats by today's top artists. Though Kilgrove now gets charged $3.99 per month plus applicable carrier service charges, he claims it's a small price to pay for so many off-the-hook
ringtones.
Dave Thiesman '09 has scurvy. Having exclusively dined at Shanghai three meals a day for the last four months, Thiesman's body is observably devoid of any measurable nutrient. Though his food pyramid has recently consisted primarily of crab rangoon and duck sauce, his true undoing came at dessert, where seemingly innocent fortune cookies have slowly convinced him that some malevolent Asian oracle is watching his every move.
The utterly unobstructed and meteoric rise of Brown's chapter of the Pen15 Club was punctuated last Thursday by the Student Activities Office's approval of the group as a Category Three organization. This approval grants the club, and its president Han Sanders '09, over four thousand dollars in "social funding.
Facilities management has been looking into replacement parts for a projector in the Motorola room at the CIT after two students described the color of projected lecture slides as "sort of dull."
This problem comes up every few years as projector bulbs wear out.
In a turn of events that has no one surprised, ex-Double Dare host Marc Summers was incarcerated last Friday after reaching wildly into a stranger's nose in an attempt to remove "an illusive little red flag."
A recent poll of every man, woman, and child possessing even a loose affiliation with Brown University shows conclusively that nothing you say has any relevance or gravitas whatsoever. The University-sanctioned study doesn't mince words in its findings, pinning you as a "self-satisfied dolt with literally no original thoughts to offer anyone.
It is with great displeasure that I take a moment to address the horde of cretinous filth that comprises my constituency. Though you all leave a bilious, acrid aftertaste in the mouth of myself and, indeed, the entire administration, it continues to be my mortal burden to shepherd you through this institution.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
