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The Brown Noser

Brown Noser Not Worth Reading

Published Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

The first of December, 2006, saw the release of The Brown Noser, a newspaper designed to fill what it describes as a "gaping void in our comedy landscape." With their brilliantly executed distribution program, the staff of The Noser was able to distribute its rag across the campus here at Brown University, inundating students with their peculiar brand of "humor."

Their genius, unfortunately, ends here. After the initial charm of being offered a newspaper by a fabulously handsome young man (these men were, it should be noted, contracted from a local male escort service for just this purpose. To think that anyone involved with the creative side of a humor magazine could be as physically attractive as these "paper-boys" is sheer folly) wears off, the reader is left with an unimpressive experience.

Before I go any further with this review-turned-denunciation of The Brown Noser and all those associated with it, I first must acknowledge that I have been beaten to the punch by a particularly talented cartoonist on the staff of the Brown Daily Herald. Daniel "The Hand Lathe" Perez poured every last ounce of his biting, satirical wit into his comic-form review of The Noser, combining beautiful, widely varied illustrations with insightful observations that inform his reader of The Noser's lack of quality with a pithiness I am simply incapable of. "Hand Lathe" Perez, I have no choice but to lay myself prostrate (metaphorically, of course, because Carlos "The Hammer" Reyes gets on the ground for no man, even one with a carpentry-themed nickname like his own) before your cleverness.

My main qualm with The Brown Noser, aside from the fact that, as the "Hand Lathe's" brilliantly worded description of the paper pointed out, it is "pretty shitty" and its humor is "canned at best," is the perverse joy they seem to take in defaming our University's most sacred and well-established institutions. Any paper that prides itself on poking fun at the "Boldly Brown" campaign to provide electric curtains for all students or at the enterprising, risk-taking personality of the school as personified by our gambling-addicted president has no place on this campus. Likewise, by criticizing the long-standing traditions of releasing drastically lowered numbers of students requiring emergency medical attention at SexPowerGod and of hiring primarily winos and men convicted of high treason as drivers for the Brown-RISD safeRIDE program, The Brown Noser attempts to poke holes in the very fabric of our education.

In its very first issue, in addition to the blasphemies briefly described above, which are, in comparison to this most heinous of offences, merely mild joshing, The Brown Noser mocked one of the central pillars of life at Brown. In his article, David Notis ridicules the Verney-Wooley Dining Hall's selection of music to be played throughout all meals. Numerous studies have shown that the soothing rock medley aids in both the digestive and recuperative processes so dearly needed by the hardworking students here at Brown. Indeed, much (if not all) of the success of Brown's students is due to the influence of this music, but Mr. Notis and the rest of the staff of The Noser would, if they had their way, discard this staple of Brown life and replace it with the satanic speed metal they most surely, judging by their paper, are fond of.

My intention is that this article act as more than a review. It should be taken as a warning. Not only is The Brown Noser not worth reading, it is also, in fact, detrimental to its readers as students, scholars, thinkers, and human beings.

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