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Brown University was handed the two most grievous losses of all time last weekend when its debate and men's lacrosse teams accidentally boarded each other's buses while attempting to depart for their respective competitions. The error stemmed from a coincidence of epic proportions, in that the teams were told to meet in the same place at the same time wearing the same clothes to get on charter buses from the same company, both of which were driven by a heavyset Dominican man named Alardo who has one arm and doesn't speak any English.
"Turns out they were twins," explained Jason Field '07, captain of the debate team. "Honestly, what kind of parents give identical twins the same name? I guess maybe they wanted a backup Alardo in case one got hit by a tractor."
During their bus ride, the debate team was preparing so rigorously for their tournament that they failed to notice something was wrong until the bus had stopped in front of a large field in Burlington, Vermont.
"At first I thought we would be competing in the open air in homage to the great forum debates of Ancient Rome. Then I saw the other team and shit my pants," Field continued. The team was ushered onto the field without an opportunity to protest, and the opening whistle blew.
"Two of us were dead within five minutes; six others wounded," recounted Kirk Feldman '09. "The officials could clearly see we didn't have sticks, helmets, or pads, and that we were about five inches shorter and fifty pounds lighter than anyone on the other team. Hell, they thought it was hilarious! I'm just happy I made it out with a concussion and moderate to severe brain damage." After the first quarter, the University of Vermont had scored 631 points, tying the school record set a year ago in a game against Harvard. The remaining quarters were scoreless, as the entire Vermont squad decided to hit up a Ben and Jerry's, the only building within thirty miles.
Gruesome as the debate team's plight may have been, the men's lacrosse team fared no better. Admittedly, they took to their improvised roles with more relish.
"Debating is just yelling, and I'll be damned if I can't yell!" yelled Chuck Larson '07, left attack for the Bears.
Officials at the Brandeis tournament were wary of Larson when he refused to remove his uniform or let go of his stick during the debate. The intimidation factor simply wasn't enough, however; Larson's opponent's well-founded and poignant arguments on topics such as medicinal marijuana, No Child Left Behind, and blimps were met with such rebuttals as "That's what your mom said last night," "That's what your sister said last night," and "I can't emphasize enough that I had sex with your mother and sister!" Larson was shockingly the strongest performer on the team, earning points from the judges for "good yelling" and "please don't hurt me."
Brown University is currently working to prevent such mix-ups from occurring again in the future, though the efforts may be unnecessary-recent reports indicate that at least one Alardo was killed yesterday in a freak tractor accident.
